Your World, My World
by Soulhearts
Summary: After the tragedy with Frigga, the Odinson family were never the same. At the announcement of Thor's engagement to Jane, Odin returns home and the secret Loki has hidden from his older brother comes bubbling to the surface. An AU story with Teen!Loki.
1. Chapter 1

**Trigger Warnings:  
** \- Depression  
\- Drug use  
\- Attempted suicide

(if there are any I've missed, please let me know)

* * *

 **Chapter One:**

It was 7am, too early on a Monday morning in April when Loki's sleep was snatched away from him by someone rudely stealing his quilt. Almost immediately, the eighteen-year old curled up into a little ball on his side and scrunched up his face as he let out a long groan.

"Thor…" Loki whined, only half conscious. "Just a few more minutes…"

There were two reasons as to why Loki knew it was his older brother, so brazenly ripping his quilt away from him. One: only Thor would do something so _sibling_ like, two: only the two of them lived in this apartment now.

"Nope," answered the older with a cheeky grin, "you need to get to university. Come on, up."

Loki groaned as he rolled over, a sigh escaping past his lips as he forced his tired eyes open. After a few moments of blearily staring at the ceiling, he supposed he should get up and cook breakfast for the pair of them―this thought heightened stressfully when he suddenly heard Thor banging about in the kitchen, accompanied by several loud swears that echoed down to his room.

Loki dragged himself out of his comfortable, king-single bed and pulled on a pair a black skinny jeans and a green sweater with his university's logo on the front that he'd gracelessly dumped on the floor yesterday after he'd come home. Stumbling out to the kitchen with a yawn, Loki was hit with the sudden waft of frying eggs, toasting bread and fresh coffee.

Staring at Thor, whose back was turned, he gave the smallest of smiles as he scratched his hand over his sleep-mussed hair and pushed up the sleeves on his jumper. He had to admit he was happy at the moment. When it was just him and Thor everything seemed so natural and easy. It was only when other people invaded his life that he became stressed, especially when that someone was his father.

"Ah–" Thor spotted him and smiled genuinely. "Good morning sleepy-head. What time did you end up going to bed? What time did you get home last night? Did you have a club commitment yesterday?"

"What is this, twenty questions?" Loki yawned, scratching the back of his head again as he tottered over to his brother.

"No," Thor replied, turning back to the frying eggs with a concerned frown on his forehead. "I just wanted to know… I was just a bit worried about you last night. I know you left a message but: " _don't cook for me tonight_ " was a little vague—your coffee is on the table by the way."

Loki rubbed the back of his neck and turned away from Thor, a seed of guilt sprouting inside his chest. He'd intended it to be a joke but…

Picking up his hot, black coffee from the table, Loki blew to cool it a little before taking a small sip. "Sorry," apologised the younger. "I didn't mean to make you concerned. Yesterday was the university's annual evening science fair so I thought I'd stick around and have a bit of a look, but I didn't realise how long I actually stayed out. They had food stalls at the fair so I knew I wouldn't go hungry. Every year they show the last years graduates' final works…"

Thor's frown increased as he listened to Loki ramble out an explanation. He didn't like the way Loki cowered away from him as he hung his head and apologised. It reminded Thor too much of how Loki had been up until three months ago.

One year and four months ago, Loki and Thor's mother, Frigga, had been killed in an attempted burglary. She had been at home when the burglar came and she'd been shot by the armed robber who hadn't believed anyone to be home. Thor had been coming home from work and he had been the one to discover their mother, bleeding out on the floor of their kitchen. Odin, their father, had come home from work to be informed by the police that his wife was dead and he'd simply stood in shock for a long time before heading to the hospital where her body had been relocated.

Loki, however, had taken the news and completely lost it, blaming himself for something he never would've been able to stop. The youngest of Odin's son's had been overseas on a senior high school trip. They had been going around various parts of Europe, visiting old, abandoned castles and when Loki had returned, he'd been given the devastating news and he hadn't been able to cope.

Thor's younger brother had gone into a serious depression and eventually everything had spiralled downwards and out of control. Odin had left them both and had gone to France in order to expand his business – the old man had thrown himself into work so that he wouldn't even have time to think about his murdered wife, and Loki had needed psychiatric help in order to get over his self-harming. It was only now that things were starting to level out again, but Thor still did not like to be reminded of the past. Especially since he noticed Loki's habits had changed – like the fact where once his bedroom had been pristine and well-kept, it was now almost never clean and clothes were easily and haphazardly discarded on the floor.

"It's fine, Loki." Thor declared, "Just next time, leave me a bit more of an explanation, okay? Or at least text me."

Loki nodded before setting his coffee down on the table and telling Thor to step out of the kitchen because "- _he was burning their eggs-"_. The younger served up two plates of breakfast and together they ate as they chatted lightly about the days upcoming events. Yet, before the conversation could really get a foothold, Thor lowered his fork and looked over to his brother, still munching on a piece of buttered toast.

"Loki, there is something I must tell you." Thor informed, obviously trying to contain his excitement as he gauged the younger's reactions. He didn't know how Loki would take any of this so he had to tread softly.

Loki glanced up from his half-eaten eggs with the slight raise of an uncaring eyebrow, silently prompting Thor to continue.

"Firstly,"‒Thor cleared his throat‒"Father called last night," he noticed his little brother flinch at the mention of their father, but he continued nevertheless, "—he says 'hi' by the way. He… uhh… he told me he's coming home in two months, work-permitting..."

Loki avoided eye-contact and stared at his glass of orange juice. He really didn't care if their father came home...

"Secondly," Thor continued lightly, oblivious to Loki's dark train of thought, "—and this brings us to _why_ he's coming home—could you come home tonight for me, please?"

"Yeah," Loki replied, slightly confused. "But why?"

Thor smiled as his thought's drifted. "There's someone I want you both to meet."

Loki froze, becoming perfectly still as he noted the dreamy, love-struck expression Thor wore upon his face. Loki knew that look. It was the same look that Thor wore every time he'd brought a new girlfriend home when he'd been in high school. Thor had been the captain of the football team and with his blue eyes, blonde hair and fantastic physique, Loki was unsurprised as to why Thor was so popular, why all the girls in the school wanted to be on his right arm. However, not only was his big brother extremely good-looking and popular, he was also kind and genteel to those he cared about. In other words, he was almost the complete opposite of Loki.

After Thor had left high school he'd gone overseas in order to study some sort of 'Health Science' in Australia. He did _finish_ the degree... before coming home and deciding that he actually wanted to do a diploma of health and fitness which had eventually led to him becoming a personal trainer. Loki personally believed that Thor had wasted his potential, but he couldn't very well tell him to go back to school, he was working to support the both of them now. Loki remembered, back then, that he'd never felt more bitterly jealous of his brother. The day Thor was accepted into a school overseas—something that _he,_ Loki, had for some reason never managed to do. It was Thor's people skills. People skills that Loki _desperately_ lacked. He had tried so hard to live up to his parent's expectations, but nothing ever seemed to work out the _right_ way. Thor had managed to fit their ideal, but Loki had – and still was – failing miserably as an Odinson.

Forcing himself back into the present, the younger Odinson cleared his throat before squeaking out a question. "Who is she?"

Thor's eyes refocused and he looked at his brother questioningly before a small smile suddenly appeared on his lips.

"You catch on so quickly, Loki." Thor laughed, reaching over the table to ruffle his brother's already sleep-ruffled hair. "Her name is Jane."

Loki batted away Thor's large palm and flattened his hair back down with a snort. "I'm not especially quick, you oaf. You're simply slow, that is all."

Thor would've taken offence, had the retort come from anyone other than Loki. This was just the way Loki showed affection. Even as a child he'd been unable to take any compliments and, as such, people had stopped giving them – all except Thor, of course. Not to mention the fact that Thor knew his younger brother was deemed a genius – a child prodigy in maths and chemistry. Thor was sure that Loki mentally excelled in a lot of other things too, but he'd never been tested for those.

"I'm looking forward to you two meeting, tonight should be fun!" Thor beamed, his energetic happiness spilling out on all sides. "I can promise you'll absolutely adore her and you'll get to meet her well before father does, which I'm sure you count as a bonus." Thor wasn't completely blind, he could see the stale animosity between his parent and his brother.

Loki looked at him as though he'd just tasted something bland before, silently and without a word, he stood and started clearing away their breakfast dishes.

With a glance at the kitchen clock, Loki made his way back to his room in order to get ready after cleaning up and when the second child of the Odinson's re-emerged from his dark den after he'd dressed himself, cleaned his teeth, packed his books and was ready to walk out the door, he remembered an important necessity. "Wallet…" he mumbled under his breath, remembering he'd left it in the kitchen from the night before.

Walking the short distance down the hall, Loki was surprised by the sound of Thor's deep voice talking, sounding as though he were on the phone.

…

" _Yeah, you're still on for tonight, right?_ "

…

" _Great, I'll see you at seven._ "

…

" _Loki's really looking forward to meeting you too._ "

…

" _Okay, see you then, bye!_ "

…

Loki heard the distinctive sound of Thor hanging the home phone back up onto its place on the wall.

"Was that Jane?" He asked, rounding the corner and somewhat surprising Thor with how quietly he'd managed to sneak up.

"Oh, yes, it was." Thor replied after the initial start of surprise. "You two will get on great, I know it. Plus, she's a scientist too!"

This had Loki pausing for a moment. Oh, so she wasn't a personal trainer or a fitness buff like Thor. If she was a scientist, then that meant she had to have __some__ measure of intelligence—even if only marginal. Loki had always believed that Thor would marry someone like his high school lover, Sif – if not the woman herself. Sif had been one of Thor's closest friends throughout high school and for a period of one and a half years, they'd even dated. Loki had believed that Thor was the one who'd asked her out, but when they'd broken up, he'd learned that it had been Sif's suggestion to get together.

"I believe she studies the stars actually…" Thor added a moment later, jolting Loki out of his thoughts. "Astro…physicist… I think…?"

Loki looked at his older brother with some degree of pity in his eyes. Not only did Thor not know how to pronounce the word, but he was pretty sure that this new 'Jane' wouldn't like it if he didn't seem interested in her. Not knowing what she did for a living was pretty bad, even for Thor.

"Well," sighed Loki with a shake of his head. "I guess I'm off."

"Okay," replied Thor, sprightly in his response. "See you after uni! Don't forget to be home before seven!"

"Sure, sure." Loki waved his hand dismissively before snatching his wallet off the kitchen counter and brushing past Thor on his way to the door. "Oh and, Thor?"

The older turned around and looked back at Loki who held the apartment door open with one hand.

"Yes?" he replied, unknowingly cocking his head slightly to one side.

Loki gave him a tense, humourless smile—an odd sensation for someone who hadn't properly smiled in one year and four months.

" _Do_ _try_ and learn what it is she does before she comes over, won't you?"And with that, Loki Odinson walked out the door of their family apartment and started on his way to uni.

* * *

 **A/N:**

Hello again! Sorry this story had to be taken down and reuploaded, I did some major editing and I'm planning on finishing it over the course of the next three or four weeks. I'm sorry to those who waited so long for updates but I'm back now and I hope you continue to read and review as you always have. The first two chapters are basically the original four chapters and chapter three I finished only today. I hope you enjoy and if you are a new reader, please follow and review as it means so much to me. Thanks for all the support!

Much Love,  
Soulhearts


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two:**

Loki hung his head, staring at the pavement on his walk home as he attempted to blend into the night. It had been yet another embarrassing day for him. He'd bought lunch and sat alone on the university lawns like he always did—none of his classmates even __liked__ him, let alone wanted to call the smart kid who sat unaccompanied up the back their friend. Most of the day had passed by quietly, but when one of his classmates had picked on him for writing down a number of maths theories he wanted to try instead of what they were supposed to be learning, well, things had slowly deteriorated from there. The problem was that Loki already knew all the stuff they'd been learning. It was so _easy_. He was top of the class, but that wasn't a new thing for him and it did seem to make everyone else rather jealous.

With a sigh, Loki rounded the corner of his street and quickly located his home and safe-haven. His thoughts began to brighten as he thought of who was awaiting him at home. Thor was always happy to see him and he'd always accepted Loki. His big brother didn't make fun of him for being smart, in fact, Thor had always loudly proclaimed how amazed he was by Loki's talents. With a small bubble of happiness making itself known in the pool of his stomach, Loki unlocked the front door with his tiny silver key and then, after closing it and dead-bolting it behind him, he started to ascend the stairs with a small smile appearing on his face. Absently, Loki began to wonder what he'd make them for dinner and he even reached the top of the stairs before a heavenly, high-pitched voice sent his whole world spinning, crashing and burning in deadly black flames. Loki forced himself to the doorway of the kitchen, his legs strangely feeling like both lead and jelly and his backpack feeling like deadweight.

"Loki!" Thor boomed as soon as he spied his little brother in the entranceway. Thor's incredibly happy, beaming smile caused Loki's stomach to drop unnervingly. "Loki, come in, come in. This is Jane, by the way."

"It's nice to meet you, Loki." Jane murmured, her ethereal, chiming voice sending shivers up his spine.

Loki dropped his bag in the doorway, hoping to shed some of the unwanted weight that was holding him in place, and then carefully took two steps towards Thor and the beautiful woman with light brown hair who was smiling happily at him.

"Why don't we all have a seat, Thor?" Jane suggested as the smell of cooking food hit his nostrils and his mouth began to water.

"Good idea – Loki, could you grab the champagne out the fridge please?" Thor asked, making his way over to the stove and fiddling with the stir-fry that was sizzling there. Thor had all his hair pulled back into a ponytail and he wore a blue apron over his freshly ironed, white shirt. The whole look, plus the concentration on Thor's face as he attempted not to burn the food, made Loki choke on a mock laugh a little on the inside. All of it made Thor look like he was a serious, hardworking office man – which was a pretty far cry from what he actually was; a fun-loving but honest dork. Jane would eventually find out what Thor was really like and she'd dump him for sure. While this prospect wasn't very nice for Thor, it seemed extremely pleasant to Loki, whose spirits quickly lifted at the thought as he tried to settle down. He'd completely forgotten about the dinner Thor had so eagerly wanted him to attend and while the surprise was… unwanted, Loki took deep breaths and settled.

His attitude more positive, Loki grunted uncharacteristically and headed towards the fridge while simultaneously eyeing the only woman in the room. After grabbing the champagne and dumping it in the centre of the pre-set table (which for some reason had white roses in the middle), Loki turned to face the back of his big brother and announced he was going to take his bag to his room. Thor nodded and acknowledged that he heard.

When Loki returned from his room, he found that Thor was serving dinner and he sat down just as Thor took his apron off and sat down opposite him, Jane at his side.

"Well," Thor declared, a smile dancing upon his lips. "Dig in!"

Loki picked up his fork and stabbed a piece of squarely cut chicken with precision. __Here goes nothing…__ _he thought, eyeing his his food with a degree of wariness. Based off his previous dealings with Thor's food, he did dearly hope that it would at least be edible._ Chomping down, Loki pulled the chicken off his fork with his teeth and then chewed it slowly as Thor watched his and Jane's reaction eagerly but with a hint of trepidation.

"It's…" Loki swallowed and gave a reassuring raise of his eyebrows, causing Thor's smile to widen into a grin. "It's really good, Thor."

"Yes," Jane agreed, swallowing her own fork full. "Very tasty, thank you, my love."

Jane's words made Loki freeze, then want to throw up and punch her at the same time. How dare she look at his brother like that! How dare she call Thor __my love__ _!_ That was his big brother for god's sake.

"That's great!" Thor smiled, so obviously proud of himself for a job well done. "Well, now that that's over." Thor wiped his brow with a napkin jokingly. "On to the big news."

The way Thor's hand slid into Jane's so naturally and carelessly under the table did not go unnoticed by Loki and immediately he was on high alert.

"Loki," Thor took a deep breath and fixed his gaze fully onto his little brother. "Jane and I… we have some exciting news for you," Thor smiled, casually glancing at the woman beside him with tender love shining in his eyes. "Jane and I, we're engaged."

At Thor's last statement, Jane held up her left hand where a beautiful gold band sat squarely on her finger, a bright diamond stone sparkling gorgeously in the centre.

That was when Loki's whole world stopped.

…

…

…

 _No. No way_. He'd thought that Jane had simply been a girlfriend, someone Thor might dump in a month or so. He'd never been expecting this. He wouldn't, he __couldn't__ accept this strange woman whom he'd only __just__ met into his family. His family was Thor and himself. What was he going to do when they got married? They would be a couple of newlyweds and Thor… Thor… he would… Thor would kick him out… Thor wouldn't want him here anymore. Thor was the one paying the rent and he was simply living here for free, so _technically_ he _could_ kick Loki out at any time!

Loki knew he wouldn't be able to go to his father either. Odin lived in France now. Oh god, he was going to be homeless! Tears pricked in the backs of his eyes as his brain raced and he imagined Thor awkwardly telling him that he didn't want Loki staying with them anymore. It didn't take very long for those tears to start pouring down the sides of his cheeks, unchecked and hopeless.

"Loki?" Thor questioned, before he finally realised that Loki was crying, a little hiccup betraying his silent despair. "Loki?! What's wrong, why on earth are you crying?"

Loki buried his face in his sleeve for a moment, trying to hide his embarrassing face and his horrible sadness from his older brother and guest. __Why did everyone in his life want to abandon him?__ _Was he really such an awful being that no one wanted him?_

"I'm sorry, Thor." Loki managed to say, a hiccup still jolting his words. "I… I just need a moment, okay? I'm just going to be in my room for a while."

The younger Odinson stood, scraping back his chair in the process, brushing past his older brother before making a beeline to his room. He quickly slammed the door behind him, locked it and then slid down with his back against the door. He pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapped his arms around them and then buried his tearful face in them.

Odin…

Frigga…

…and now Thor as well.

They'd all abandoned him. Even his biological parents hated him to the extent of giving him away and he'd only been an infant at that time! He was well and truly alone now. He'd always been friendless and no one had ever shown any _romantic_ interest in him, but he'd always believed that those things didn't matter, so long as he had his family. Yet, now he didn't even have that. Now Jane was replacing him. He was being pushed aside by the only family he had left!

He was being __replaced__ _!_

Loki's silent tears began to escalate into broken, voiced sobs. He shuddered and tried hard to contain the absolute anguish he felt in knowing that Thor couldn't possibly keep Loki in his heart anymore. Especially not now that he had a fiancé…

Loki curled up into an even tighter ball of despair and wept endlessly until a light knock came at his door and a muffled voice interrupted Loki's grief.

"...Loki? It's me, Thor… can I come in?"

What followed Thor's question was an eternal silence that seemed to last forever. Thor only realised that he'd been holding his breath after Loki finally gave him the affirmation. The older Odinson turned the handle of the door and it creaked open as he pushed his head through the entranceway and looked into the darkness of the room, his eyes scanning through the murky blackness for his younger brother. Eventually he spotted him sitting on the floor at the foot of his bed; the scuffling sound that Thor had heard earlier had to have been Loki moving from the doorway to the bed.

Thor felt bad leaving Jane alone in the kitchen where they'd been eating, but Thor knew she understood. Thor had told her all about Loki over the period of time that they'd been dating. The elder Odinson didn't know how he'd managed to find such a patient and kind woman; Jane certainly was forgiving of him. Numerous times Thor had been needed by his younger brother and so he'd have to cancel date plans with her – sometimes at short notice – but Jane seemed to completely understand and Thor always apologised and tried his hardest to make it up to her. He was sure that now they'd met, Jane could finally see for herself the bundle of insecurity and mistrust that made up his little brother.

"Loki?" Thor queried, finally stepping inside the room and finding a shirt underfoot. Thor locked eyes with his little brother as Loki looked up. For a moment, Thor found himself looking into eyes that held such despair that he would have thought they'd seen a divorce of a happy marriage, yet as quickly as Thor saw the look, it was gone – wiped clean and replaced with a blank wall of defence. Thor stepped over the casually discarded shirt and hurried to sit himself in front of the bundle that was Loki.

"Hey," Thor put his large palm on Loki's skinny forearm and gave him a little grip of assurance. "What's wrong, Loki? Do you not like Jane? She's a wonderful person, little brother. Don't be alarmed, I'm sure this came as somewhat of a shock to you but you'll become fast friends, I know it." Thor bumbled though his little speech of support and reassurance haphazardly but he believed himself to get the message across.

"No, Thor… Jane's lovely, I'm sure you two will be happy together…" Loki's voice broke sourly at the end and he tried hard not to hide his face in his knees.

"Then what on earth is wrong, Loki?" Thor's question didn't come out harshly and he grabbed the nape of Loki's neck with his spare arm, pulling Loki forward so he could press their foreheads together in a sign of comfort and solidarity.

"It really isn't anything of importance…" the younger whispered, trying to remember how to bottle up his feelings as he had done on so many occasions.

"Loki," Thor chastised softly, a frown appearing. "I know you wouldn't cry over nothing."

For a moment Loki was silent, but when he did speak again, it was not to answer Thor's question.

"Are you and Jane going to live here together?" the younger asked, pushing Thor away from him gently. He could already hear Thor's answer ringing in his brain and he knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself from crying if Thor continued to comfort him as though he were merely a child again.

"Well," Thor's frown deepened as he took in Loki unfathomable expression and tried to find a way to phrase his next sentence, even though it came out more as a question. "That's… that's what we'd planned?"

Loki clenched his teeth and his hands balled up into fists as he told himself to get a grip.

"Do you not want to live with us, Loki?" Thor continued, causing the younger's breath to hitch and his heart to start pounding wildly. "I know it will be hard, adjusting to having Jane in the house but I'm sure you'll manage it. I just thought… well, I know you don't really want to live with dad… so I thought you'd prefer to stay with us… even though we're going to be newlyweds – ah, but we won't bother you or anything, well, I- I _hope_ we don't bother you… Oh, but if I assumed wrong and you _do_ want to live with father then, by all means, don't let me stand in your way, little brother!"

After a short pause and a long stare of bewilderment from the darker-haired man, Loki finally managed to clear his thoughts and tongue. "You… you're _not_ kicking me out?"

Something close to shock seemed to pass across Thor's face before it was replaced with confused concern. "No, Loki, I would never make you live on your own like that. I thought you'd at least stay with me until you graduated from university… Plus I know you're not making enough money to rent anywhere right now. You're a good, honest kid, Loki. I know you'll move out on your own when the time is right."

Loki nearly laughed at that, though only a tiny smile, not much more than a flinch of the corners of his mouth actually appeared for Thor to see. "A lot of people wouldn't do that, Thor… most people even pay board by the time they reach tertiary education."

"I know," Thor replied plainly. "But it's not like we're short on cash and I know how hard things have been on you, Loki. I don't want to lose my brother again, especially not over anything so petty as rent."

Loki nodded, knowing that what Thor called 'losing him' was the serious depression that had held him in its grip for too long. He was free again now but he knew Thor still worried about letting Loki return to that numbness that had consumed him.

"Thank you, brother…" A bubble of bright happiness appeared in Loki's stomach and the light in his eyes seemed to rekindle.

"There is nothing to thank," Thor replied gently, a warmth of honesty in his eyes that Loki had seen in no one else. "Now, I'm sure Jane is lonely all by herself. Would you care to return to dinner with me?"

After a second of hesitation, Loki nodded, steeled himself and took a deep breath. "Yes," he replied softly, the two slowly standing and making their way back to the kitchen.


	3. Chapter 3

_'The King of An Empire'_ it read on the front page of business weekly, making Loki scoff and want to throw the business magazine onto the mahogany coffee table in disgust. However his grip stayed firm around the cover and he turned to the article page stated on the front before settling back into the sofa and taking another bite from the rainbow fruit roll-up in his hand. His eyes scanned over the article and words like " _great leader_ " and " _King of prosperity_ " popped out at him all too frequently before he ripped his eyes away and looked at the page opposite, a giant photograph of his father in a grey pin-striped suit taking up the entire spread. How so many people thought so highly of Odin almost amazed Loki. The man talked about in the article bore no resemblance to the man _he_ knew—they may as well have been two different people for all Loki was concerned.

"Reading anything interesting?" Thor's voice boomed, startling him as the man walked into the room with a cup of coffee in hand. The golden-haired Odinson plonked himself down on the single seater beside the couch and started searching for the television remote, feeling between the cushion gaps of the chair.

"No." the younger replied, closing the magazine and tossing it to the other side of the lounge before popping a question to Thor. "When's dad coming home anyway? Jane's been living here for almost a month now and you said dad would be here within a month or so..."

Thor paused in his search for the remote, furrowing his brow and grimacing as Loki's question reminded him of something he didn't want to think on.

"I don't know..." he finally sighed, a hint of annoyance escaping in his tone before he shoved the hot cup of coffee up to his lips and took a long sip. "I swear that man's been a recluse since mother… well… you know..."

Loki gave a long, hard swallow and lifted his legs onto the couch, pressing them up against his chest. This couldn't be any easier for Thor than it was for him. Loki knew that. Mother had meant so much to both of them and she'd been a rock for the whole family. Without her they were slowly falling apart, one at a time.

"I take it he hasn't returned any of your calls then?" Loki murmured, stealing a glance to the single seater.

Thor shook his head and gave another audible sigh as his eyes fixated on a point on the table. "Not even one." the older answered, raising his coffee cup once more. "You haven't tried to call, have you?"

Loki snorted loudly and pulled a face of mock disbelief. "Come on, out of the two of us you know whom he's more likely to return the missed calls of. I don't think dad's called for me since I was like, twelve maybe… you know, back when he thought I had some sort of potential."

Thor threw him a disapproving look. The occasional disparaging remarks directed towards himself made Thor constantly worry. Loki's mental health was in no way a joke to him. Loki sometimes treated it as nothing more than a wound that would eventually close over given enough time but Thor had learned the hard way that if open wounds weren't treated, they'd become sore and infected.

"I just hate how, whenever he comes back, we're the ones who have to walk around like we're on egg shells. Why can't he just not come?" Loki fired, getting somewhat angry and clenching his fists into balls in his lap.

Thor softened and placed his mug on a coaster before changing couches. "I know how you're feeling, Loki," Thor clapped a hand over Loki's knee and gave it a little rub, "but father _does_ love us—you know it as well as I do."

"Are you sure?" Loki raised an eyebrow with suspicion before letting his expression fall away into that of reluctant acceptance. "Because he sure has a funny way of showing it."

Thor smiled at him and removed his hand, leaning back into the couch and shoving his feet up onto the coffee table. "All dad's are like that, Loki."

"Yeah, that's what you believe..." Loki muttered spitefully under his breath.

Thor huffed, "Well, _ours_ is so we have to accept his flaws."

"That's just another problem!" Loki snapped in reply, his voice shooting several tones upwards before settling. "The world's been telling him that he's so great for so long that he truly believes he _doesn't_ have any flaws, that he's the ' _great leader of an empire'_ and he's incapable of making mistakes! He's _made_ mistakes, though he'd deny them if you brought them up in conversation. The media has harped on for years about how great he is—feeding him a monthly dose of _utter bullshit_ and now he believes every pretty lie he's told."

Thor eyed him cautiously until Loki's breath had calmed.

"I'm not saying you don't have some valid points, Loki, however he's still our father; he's still family." Thor countered calmly. "It doesn't matter how big-headed he gets, at the end of the day he knows he can come home and we'll be here waiting for him. That more than he could say about his media, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Loki growled before standing. "The only problem is: he doesn't want to come home." The young man stormed past his brother and Thor's eyes followed him through the kitchen until he disappeared behind a wall and moments later he heard the familiar slam of Loki's bedroom door.

"Did I miss something?"

Jane's voice suddenly interrupted his downcast thoughts and Thor turned to smile at her as she made her way from the entrance way to the couch beside him.

"Jane," he exclaimed, inviting her to join him on the couch, "you're back early."

"Yeah, there are still some upgrades being made to one of our major telescopes so I really don't have much to do until that's fixed." She explained, Thor nodding thoughtfully. "Darcy offered to take me out clubbing, but I feel a bit old for that now." Jane laughed, daintily seating herself beside her fiancé.

Thor's arm stretched around her shoulders and he gently pulled her against his chest as she kicked off her shoes and let them fall to the blue carpet below.

"Did I just see Loki storm out of here or was that just my imagination?" she asked rhetorically, continuing their conversation. "He seemed mad at you, what did you do?"

"I didn't _do_ anything—" Thor huffed, defending himself from any accusations.

"Yeah, but I can tell you definitely _said_ something." Jane interrupted, giving his leg a gentle poke. "What were you two talking about to get _that_ kind of a reaction?"

Thor's face drew inwards and grim. The world seemed to want to lay all it's problems on him at the moment, but if Thor couldn't be strong for his family, who would? Certainly not his father.

"We were talking… we were talking about Dad." Thor announced gruffly, his hand reaching up to scratch at his stubble, not noticing the quiet the silence was until Jane broke it.

"It must be hard for him—hard for you _both_." She patted Thor's knee with a gentle hand. "I couldn't imagine not having my mother around."

Thor gave a short solemn nod before continuing. "Loki has always been sensitive, but since our mother died he's become even worse. I'm really worried about him too. I know he's not depressed anymore but some mornings he gets up and I can see that same look of hopelessness in his eyes. It scares me Jane. Sometimes I think I'll wake up and he won't be here anymore, just like _her_. I don't know if I could live with myself if that happened… and I know I can't tell him these things. I can't because he'd feel so guilty and even worse about himself. All I want is for things to go back to the way they were but I know they can't. I know I just have to keep trying. For Loki's sake."

"Oh Thor," Jane whispered, her heart weeping for her love and his burdens. Thor didn't know just how strong he was and Jane was so proud of the man she was to marry. "Thor you are the best big brother anyone could possibly ever have. I know you don't see things the way I do, but Loki really looks up to you and you'd never shy away from that responsibility. You are truly a _good_ man Thor and, no, things can't go back to the way they once were and I know you'll keep trying for Loki but, just remember: I'm here to support you too. You don't have to shoulder all of this alone anymore. If it ever feels like too much, then rely on me, okay? You can't look towards the past Thor, but you _can_ focus on creating a future for your brother… and for us too."

It surprised Jane more than anything when she tilted her head back to look into Thor's eyes and found big, wet tears trailing down his face. For a second she was shocked speechless, but Thor spoke before words could form on her lips anyway.

"Jane, you are the most wonderful person I've ever met. Thank you." Thor sniffed and smiled, the tears not ceasing in their flow.

Jane returned his smile and, ignoring any words she wanted to say, she pushed herself up and chastely pecked her fiancé on the cheek, kissing at his tears. For nearly ten minutes the lovers simply stared into each others eyes, the both of them happy as they could be under the circumstances. However, the loving looks were broken when the pair both simultaneously jumped at the sound of the house phone ringing on the hook in the hall.

Jane gave a nervous giggle and extricated herself from Thor, announcing that she'd answer the caller. The young woman bounced into the other room, practically on the balls of her feet and once she was out of sight, Thor began to compose himself. The tall blonde roughly wiped away the tears from his face with the back of his hand and tidied up the couch and cushions before grabbing his cold, half-empty coffee from the coffee table where he'd left it, following after Jane out to the kitchen.

Thor crossed the laminate floor and poured his cold coffee down the drain as he half-heartedly listened to bits and pieces of Jane's conversation emanating from the hall. It was only after Thor had rinsed and dried the mug had Jane popped her head around the corner and told him that his presence was required, somewhat surprising him.

"Who is it?" He asked, taking the receiver from her outstretched hand.

She shook her head at him. "I think it's better if you just take the call." She replied.

Thor's heart suddenly sunk into his stomach as he lifted the phone to his ear and watched Jane leave in order to give him some privacy.

"Hello, Thor Odinson speaking." He said into the mouthpiece, already half-knowing who was on the other end.

" _Ah, Thor it's me."_ Answered Odin, his voice gravelly and older than Thor had ever heard it before. It actually sounded like Odin's years and work habits were finally starting to catch up to him.

"Dad," Thor sighed haggardly, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes. "what can I do for you?"

" _I'll get straight to the point then_." Odin replied, clearing his throat. _"I'm coming home in three days and I need to you pick me up from the airport. I want to meet this fiancé of yours and see whether you two really are suitable for each other. We had a lovely conversation just now but I do wonder whether you're making the right decision here Thor. I'm still disappointed that you and Sif didn't get married actually, she was truly a wonderful girl."_

Thor locked his jaw and resisted the urge to bite the inside of his cheek. "I _know_ you are, Dad." Thor spat out through his clenched teeth, "But Sif and I wanted different things and we just didn't click—at least, nothing like Jane and I do."

" _Yes well, we'll find out won't we."_ Odin replied reservedly, his overall tone quite pessimistic. _"I will see you in three days then_."

"Wait—!" Interjected Thor before his father could hang up on the call. "What about Loki? Don't you want to talk to him? You haven't spoken to him in months!"

" _So?"_ Odin huffed wearily, _"I'll see him in three days, Thor. He can wait until then. Goodbye._ "

With that, the call was cut and Thor was left standing silent and still in the middle of the hall, emotions whirring around inside him. Odin really didn't get it sometimes. He and Jane were getting married, no matter his views. But _on top of that_ , Thor truly wondered whether or not Loki and Odin's relation was really going to be okay.

"So what did he say?"

Thor jerked around and found Loki standing at the end of the hallway, his arms crossed over each other and leaning against the arch. Thor noted that Loki had changed into grey tracksuit pants and an overly large and baggy pull-over and he suddenly cringed at the thought of Loki hearing the last part of that conversation.

"Ah—um, not much really. He's coming home in three days and we have to pick him up from the airport but other than that he didn't really say anything of value." Thor shrugged, hanging the phone on the hook again.

"Did he want to speak to me?" Loki asked innocently, Thor finally able to tell that Loki hadn't heard the end of his conversation.

"Oh yeah," Thor lied, hoping to spare his brother's fragile feelings. "Yeah he did, it was just that he was uh running late for um a meeting and he didn't have time. Don't worry, you'll see him in a few days."

Loki sniffed and turned away, unconcerned. "It's not like I _care_ though." He pointed out, causing Thor's lips to curl upwards.

"Of course not." Thor chuckled, brushing past his brother and giving his hair a ruffle as he sauntered back out to the kitchen.

"I don't!" Loki hissed, flattening his hair again and following after his sibling.

"Yeah, you do." Thor teased, spying Jane by the stove and making his way to her as Loki plopped himself into one of the dinning seats.

"Whatever!" Loki gave a flick of his wrist and brushed off Thor's comments. "It's just a force of habit—it doesn't _mean_ anything."

Before the conversation could turn sour, Jane stepped in, by now used to the brother's banter. "I hope you're both okay to eat a lot of cabbage over the coming weeks. Darcy's mother gave her a lot of it but the girl doesn't like the—and I quote—' _disgusting snot-coloured vegetable_ ', so she's given it all to me."

"Fine with me." Loki acknowledged. "I actually like cabbage."

"Great!" Jane clapped before facing her unusually silent fiancé. "Thor?"

Loki nearly laughed at the bitter look on his brother's face. "I think he's less okay with it." Loki ejected with a little chuckle, unknowingly sending a thrill of happiness through Thor's tired heart.

Thor pretended to pout, eliciting a short laugh from the other two before he broke out into a smile too. He couldn't _not._ Loki's laughter reminded him of younger, better days. Years when the both of them were innocent and love surrounded them every-which-way. Jane was right, he couldn't obsess over the past but he _could_ help Loki through what was to come. With mother gone and father rarely in sight, Thor knew that Loki believed his family didn't care, but _he_ was here and now Jane was here too. Loki did have familial support and no matter what, he would make Loki see that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four:**

The ride to the airport was one filled with silence. Thor drove, his hands gripping the wheel with anxiety as he anticipated his father's reaction to his new fiancé. There was no scenario too wild in Thor's mind and the longer he thought on it the more fidgety and uneasy he became. Jane sat in the passenger seat, mostly staring out the window and watching suburbia pass her by. The depressing silence weighed on her however and eventually she turned the radio on just so the other occupants wouldn't seem so tense.

And Loki sat in the back.

Quiet.

Dead quiet.

What would dad do when he saw them? Would he hug them? _No_. That was utterly absurd. He'd probably march right up to the car, stick his suitcase in the trunk, climb into the front seat—which Jane would have by then vacated—and they'd all drive home with little banal banter between them. The truth be told, Loki felt almost sick at the prospect of seeing his father again for the first time in a year. Odin was his father but… Loki hadn't felt any love for the man for years. His father was still telling Thor that he loved him and was proud of him, even to this day, but the old man hadn't said anything along those lines since Loki was still a child. Odin didn't love him. That much was as clear as day. There wasn't a neon sign in the world that blinked brighter than this knowledge to Loki. If he could, Odin would probably tattoo the message to his forehead when Loki was in company. If he could wind back time, he would. Plainly, all three of them were nervous about whom they'd encounter and what he'd be like.

"Nearly there," announced Thor, his voice unusually shaky as he indicated and pulled off the exit-way to the right. "We'll see Dad in no time." He continued, correcting the tremor in his voice and throwing the meant-to-be-positive comment over his shoulder.

Loki tried to swallow the hard lump in his throat and felt himself becoming light-headed. If only Thor knew how much this trip meant. For Loki it was the decider of the game. Odin reacting positive meant that he scored the final goal. Negative and, well, he lost. The whole season would have been for nothing and he was out in the final few minutes.

"Loki, are you all right?"

The young man jerked his blank stare up from his trembling hands and with a startled look and he found he was met with the concerned and caring eyes of his brother's fiancé, who'd twisted around in her seat and was frowning at him with worry glistening in her eyes.

"Mm," he nodded, clearing his mind of random, mixed sports analogies before ridding the croak from his throat and adding to his vocalised hum. "Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about me, Jane. I'm fine, really." He rubbed his hands together and pulled his arms in closer to his body. Jane was far more observant than his brother and Loki had let his uncaring, aloof façade slip since his mother had passed away. In many ways, Loki found it nice having someone around with similar qualities to Frigga, but at other times―like now―he was reminded of how vacant he'd become when interacting with the world. He had to step up his game, fix his shield of indifference before Jane learned to read him like an open book.

"Are you sure," she pressed, her eyes staring into his with a firm gaze, as if she were prying open the windows to his soul like a trained professional. "You're quite pale and you certainly don't look very well."

Thor, by now, had tuned into the conversation and Loki noticed the sudden alarm in his posture at the mention of his wellness. The older Odinson's gaze kept flicking up into the rear-view mirror, trying to see his younger brother and check if he was alright.

"Should we stop the car for a bit?" Jane asked, her own concern perturbing Thor, who looked back at him, eyes removed from the road far too often than could be considered safe.

Loki had just been about to answer with a firm ' _no_ ' when a small thought quickly sparked his mind. If they stopped for a bit it would delay their meeting with Odin and Loki couldn't think of anything he wanted _more_ than to delay such an encounter _._

"… pulling over for a while couldn't hurt." He admitted, wrapping his arms around himself half for show and half to keep his horrific nerves contained. He was positively shaking but he couldn't let Jane see him like this. Or Thor, for that matter.

Thor gave a short, swift nod and indicated before swerving off the road and into a street car-park that bordered with some old industrial craft works. After pulling into the spot and making sure he was within the lines, Thor yanked up the handbrake, stuck the car in neutral and killed the engine before turning around in the drivers seat and facing his little brother with disquieted consternation, observing silently the pallor shade of pale white he was becoming.

"Loki?" he quavered questioningly, a near full minute of silence inside the car being broken.

Loki jumped at Thor's sudden interruption of the quiet and almost immediately looked down to his lap where his hand fidgeting had increased tenfold. Thor gripped the back of his headrest and frowned deeply, needing to get the bottom of this issue quickly so that their father wouldn't be left waiting at the airport.

"Hey, what's wrong? What's the problem?" Thor queried. "You don't get car sick…"

"It's nothing, Thor! I just… I need some fresh air." Loki declared, hastily swinging his door open and jumping out onto the street. The young man stalked over to the pavement after slamming the car door and sat down along the curb, putting his head in his hands and letting his hair flop over.

Thor suddenly panicked and reached for his door handle. _How could he have made Loki angry?_ He wasn't like his little brother at all, he showed no sensitivity to the moment, though he had no idea how his concern had set Loki off anyway. It didn't matter really, he just had to fix this. He didn't like Loki being angry towards him. Perhaps it was his fear that Loki would do something rash or maybe he had a brother complex, Thor didn't know. Just as he was about to open the door he felt a hand over his own and whipped his head around in surprise.

"Don't Thor," Jane commented before he could ask why she was holding him here. "Give him a moment."

Thor's grip on the door slackened, but he eyed Jane with confusion and curiosity.

"I don't understand," Thor eventually croaked when Jane did not elaborate. "Does he not want my help?"

"Thor," Jane clucked with a sigh and a tiny shake of her head. "He doesn't want you to _see_ him like this."

"What do you mean?" He probed, still baffled by his fiancé's words.

Jane rolled her eyes and sighed again before taking Thor's hand and giving it a squeeze. Jane truly was far more observant than anyone could have given her credit for, but perhaps this was why she meshed so well with the occasionally thick-headed man that was Thor. When they'd been dating, Jane recalled many a time when Thor had received a text or a call from his brother and instantly worn a look of worry and fear. Jane knew such a look wouldn't come from anything other than genuine concern so when Thor had always told her that he needed to leave to check on his ward, Jane had never held him back. For a while it had unnerved her that Thor was constantly choosing his brother over her, but when Thor told her one night of his own volition why he had to keep a good eye out for his brother, Jane had felt lashings of guilt at her petty self-interests. Eventually, when she'd finally come to live with the pair, she truly realised what Thor meant when he said Loki was fragile. On top of that, Jane had also proved to have a very maternal protectiveness that she'd unknowingly cloaked over her fiancé's younger sibling. Loki needed a loving family and, if Jane could in anyway provide, she would.

"Don't you get it? This is embarrassingfor him. He doesn't want you to see him like this! Thor, he's shaking like a leaf―he's clearly nervous about seeing your father again."

"Why would he be so nervous?" Thor jerked, taken back by such bizarre words and a strange concept. "Odin is our father, Loki has no need..."

Though, even as Thor trailed off on the words, he knew what Jane said was true and what he said wasn't. Loki had every right to be nervous. Thor knew that better than anyone. The words Loki had said about their father the other day should have clued him in but for some reason the connection just hadn't been made until now. With a huff, Thor puffed out a breath of anxiety and acknowledged that Jane was right.

"Don't worry," she comforted, rubbing his shoulder gently. "I'm sure things will smooth out once your father settles in back home."

"I hope so―" Thor began, only to be interrupted by the car door being yanked open and it's previous occupant clambering back inside.

"Okay," Loki cut in, Jane giving him a reassuring smile and Thor exhaling his agitation, calmed by the sigh of Loki's face re-imbibed with some colour. "I'm better now. Let's go pick Dad up from the airport."

"Yessir!" Thor exclaimed, half a laugh―or possibly another sigh of relief―coming out on the end of the words as he turned the key and the engine roared to life once again. "To the airport then."

The remainder of the drive was far more relaxed and almost quite pleasant, Thor commenting on common everyday things with Jane and Loki pitching in once in a while with proper, intelligent remarks. Most of the drive was through more suburbs and some industrial area but as they neared their final destination―a giant monster of a building that could be seen from miles away with planes landing and leaving every minute or so―the buildings gave way to developed marshland which had been drained many years ago. Just like the environmental transition, the conversation eventually died away too and the three of them found themselves talking less and less as they got closer, though the heavy atmosphere from before never did return.

"This exit, Thor." Said Loki, leaning forward and pointing to the lane furthest to the left.

Thor nodded and simply followed Loki's directions which eventually led them to a short-term parking lot where Thor pulled in and shut off the engine before the three of them climbed out.

"Right… now we have go to the… A.B. lounge in the… middle section of the front… I think..." Thor read, pulling his phone out of his pocket and scrolling down the message from his father.

Jane shrugged when Thor's confused attentions were diverted to her and she stated that she'd never needed to pick anyone up from the airport before so she would be no help. Loki, on the other hand, looked at the pair and took the lead.

"Well, we're not going to get anywhere standing in the parking lot. Come on, I saw an elevator that looked like it goes up so you can cross a glass bridge which leads to the main section."

"Alright," Thor huffed, even more confused and simply allowing his little brother to take the wheel. "After you then, Loki."

With Loki at the front of the party and Jane and Thor holding hands as they followed, the three of them marched forward, taking the elevator and traversing across the enclosed glass bridge which did indeed lead them to the bigger, main section of the airport. Upon reaching the larger section, the crowd of people surrounding them grew noticeably larger and Loki spied the bag check in and a sign that located the various lounges scattered around the modern airport.

"Thor, Jane, over here!" He waved at them, beckoning them to come closer as he made his way to the sign. To the couple, it appeared that Loki's attitude had brightened somewhat since the stop during the car ride, but it was all really for show. The closer they got, the more chipper he became. It was a mask, a disguise for his fears that threatened to burst through the gate and let loose the terror he felt.

"Oh, hey look," Jane exclaimed lightly, "The A.B. lounge is just over here―looks like it's the furthest one though."

Loki bit down hard on the inside of his cheek, telling himself that now was no time to turn back. He couldn't anyway. He was stuck here now. He reminded himself that the only way to get through this was to greet his father like nothing had ever happened between them.

The group continued onwards, up and down escalators and one lift, passing several lounges which grew grander the further they pressed on. By the time they reached the A.B. lounge, none of them were surprised to see that it was the most prestigious lounge out of the lot. The group entered through the glass sliding-doors and a helpful "hello" from the lady at the front desk stole their attention from the chandelier in the hall.

"How can I help you today?" the woman asked, her brunette hair pulled back into a ponytail and slicked down, her hands folded neatly at her waist. She was wearing a crisp, white shirt without so much as a stain and it was tucked into a black, waist-high skirt. She wore plain black heels, sheer black stockings, around her neck was a red scarf and attached to her shirt was a name badge that read ' _Marion_ '.

In the end it was Thor who approached the desk and he flashed his award-winning smile in her direction which clearly caused her to become slightly flustered before spying the ring on his left finger and the 'wife' behind him.

"Hi," Thor greeted, giving her more of his toothy smile. "We're looking for a man named Odin? He's my father and we're here to pick him up."

"Alright," replied the woman, pushing her unprofessional demeanour back into the box whence it came and typing on the computer in front of her. "Odin, you say? Could you give me a last name?"

"Ah, Allfather." Thor stated, somewhat awkwardly.

"Oh yes," the woman nodded, looking back up from her screen after punching in a few more digits. "He should be here momentarily, someone is bringing him up."

Thor returned to his family who waited by the door and true to the woman's word Odin arrived in the company of a nervous bellboy who wheeled the old man's suitcase behind him.

"Thor!" Odin boomed upon spying his eldest son. The old man marched right up to him and encompassed his hand with his own, giving Thor a rigorous handshake. Thor was startled to say the least. What had happened to that bitter old man whom he'd spoken to only a few days ago over the phone? Well, he'd couldn't complain for now, he didn't want to upset the balance.

"And you must be Jane," Odin released Thor's hand and turned to the woman on Thor's right, completely ignoring his youngest son, which didn't go unnoticed by Loki who shrank in on himself at the disregard he was shown. "It is _so_ wonderful to finally meet the woman my son is to marry. Honestly my dear, I don't know how my son managed to meet someone so lovely."

Jane blushed as Odin clasped her hand gently and smoothly delivered his lines.

"Well," he continued, his eyes glancing around the group and barely skimming over Loki. "It is great to see and meet you all, but should we head off?"

Thor gave a strong nod and flicked both his wife and father a smile before following up with: "Sounds like a good idea."

And the group left the entranceway to the lounge, Loki tugging his father's luggage behind him as he figured that it would otherwise be left behind as he trailed after the chattering group of his family. It had come as no new surprise that Odin had completely brushed him aside. In many ways, it was probably the best outcome he could've hoped for considering the circumstances. All he could do now was pray that this visit didn't bring up any unwanted secrets that Loki and Odin shared.

* * *

 **A/N:**

Hi all, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. If you did, don't forget to leave me a review. The next chapter I'm sure will be quite a stirring surprise and should be up soon. Again, I hope you're enjoying this and to the reviewer that said a lot of AU's get abandoned, I could not agree more, many of them do (this one may as well have been included in that category for a while). However, do not fear. I have every intention of finishing this story over the semester break that I am on and I've basically devoted my life to this story and working.

Much Love,  
Soulhearts


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five:**

It was bizarre and awkward to have his father back in the house once again and Thor hadn't felt so useless for his brother in a long time. Odin's refusal to acknowledge Loki back at the airport hadn't gone completely unnoticed by Thor or Jane but the pair of them had silently agreed that if anything was to be brought up it would bring nothing but shame for Loki. It was obvious by the way that Loki hung his head that he didn't want to speak on the issue.

"Oh, the house hasn't changed a bit!" Odin declared as the four of them finally sat down at the table for dinner.

Jane grabbed some hand-mittens off the counter and opened the oven, pulling out a large tray of garlic bread and setting it down upon the table next to the vegetable lasagne which Loki made from scratch earlier.

"Alright," nodded Jane, motioning toward the food, "Please, dig in."

Thor served each of them a helping of lasagne and two slices of garlic bread each and all of them started eating their meals.

"I say," Odin smiled towards Jane as he took a second mouthful of the vegetable lasagne, "You sure are one marvellous cook, Jane. Almost tastes like my late wife's cooking."

Silence fell around the table as the other three exchanged awkward glances.

"Actually," corrected Jane, her fork hanging loosely in her hand as she flushed with embarrassment. "Loki made the lasagne, I just put it in the oven."

This time it was Odin's turn to flare up along his cheeks, a highly unusual sight.

"Oh, well..." he stammered, before realising he had to say something to make the extremely awkward situation at least tolerable. "This is good, Loki."

"Don't strain yourself for praise..." Loki mumbled underneath his breath, his eyes fixed on his plate.

Immediately, Odin's eyes narrowed at the snarky remark. "Excuse you, young man. What did you say to me, I'm not sure I quite caught that." Though, it was apparent by his tone that Odin had indeed caught every word Loki had uttered.

Thor and Jane quickly exchanged worried glances. It was too soon for problems like this to start arising, Odin still had another two weeks before he returned to France.

The young Odinson scowled, looking his father in the eye for the first time since his arrival.

"I said: don't. strain. yourself. Please, we all know you wouldn't be here if you didn't have to be." Loki snapped, slamming his fork down onto his plate and grinding his teeth together.

"Right, go to your room!" Odin ordered, his anger now obvious.

Loki simply laughed, tossing his head back as Thor shook his head at him subtly. Loki ignored Thor's warnings though. What did he care? Odin couldn't give two flying fucks about him so why did he have to obey the man who would shrug off the title 'Father' as soon as he could.

"I'm not gonna do that." Loki sneered, "You go to your room!" he added childishly.

Odin's nostrils flared and his frown of rage deepened.

"I am your father, Loki. You _will_ do as I say!"

"You're not my father!" Loki screamed back across the table. It was Odin and Loki now, Thor and Jane watched in horror but neither of them dared intercede as the other two flung out their feelings of anger, getting them out into the open from the festering place they'd come.

"I _am_ your father. I raised you and cared for you when you were but a helpless infant! How dare you spit on my years of effort."

Loki's voice suddenly quietened but the wrath he felt only became stronger. "Effort. Right. You have done nothing for me in as long as I can remember! You never even wasted your _breath_ on trying to raise me. _Mother_ was the one who cared, not you! Did you ever love me or was I just a whim when you found out she couldn't get pregnant again?"

"Don't you _dare_ speak to me about your mother!" Odin spat, placing his palms on the table.

"Oh! Don't I dare speak to you, huh!? If you didn't want me, why did you even pick me out of the gutter? Why didn't you just leave me where I was? Or was a freezing infant in the street even to much for your low morals?"

"I should have!" Odin yelled in retaliation.

"You're right! You _should_ have!" Loki agreed, tears threatening in the corners of his eyes.

"Maybe if I had, Frigga wouldn't be dead! _It's all your fault that my WIFE is dead!"_

Silence fell over the room and both Odin and Loki were standing. Tears started streaming endlessly and unchecked down Loki's face as Thor and Jane watched the scene unfold with horror. Loki choked up, unable to deny the accusation. Finally, Thor was spurred into action. He couldn't stand this any longer!

"That's enough." He declared, also standing and gently putting a hand on Loki's shoulder which the young man shrugged off. Loki turned away from his brother. Shame, remorse and vile anger filling his entire being.

"Father," Thor warned, his outrage beyond rational borders. "I cannot believe that you of all people would say such untruths, you know how Loki has been―"

"Untruths?" Odin practically yelped, startled by the word itself. "Thor, I speak only the truth. Did Loki never tell you about how your mother died? Did he never speak to you on how it was his actions that caused such a horror to befall her?" These were all spiteful, rhetorical questions however and Thor knew just as well as anyone that these 'questions' weren't directed at him.

Loki couldn't take it anymore more. The young man stumbled, blinded by his outpouring of tears towards the entranceway where he snatched his winter jacket off the hook, swung the door open and took off, slamming the door in his wake and making the house shudder.

"What the hell are you on about!?" Thor screeched, now fearful of where his brother would go but unable to follow after him without a proper explanation.

Odin slumped back into his chair, his age finally showing and his weariness apparent.

"Loki told me everything." Odin explained. "Why _our_ house got burgled. It wasn't a random act, Thor. Loki _hired_ a man to break into our house and steal things! _Why,_ you ask? To spiteme! Because he'd been angry with me!"

Thor shrank back in horror and Jane stared wide-eyed and open mouthed at her new father-in-law.

"But..." Thor stammered, still trying to wrap his mind around Odin's explanation. "But, he didn't hire anyone to kill mother, right?"

Odin huffed loudly and gave a tiny ' _ha_ '. "No," he shook his head and gave a mock smile. "That was apparently a freebie."

Thor was shocked and horrified. All this time and he'd never known the truth. Loki had done something to get back at their father and it had ended up so much worse than anyone could have foreseen. For the first minute, all Thor could see was a blinding white anger. How could Loki have _done_ such a thing?! No. _Why_ would he do such a thing? What was he trying to accomplish? What did he want to achieve with such a reckless, stupid plan? However, as Thor thought back on it, he remembered Loki's face. He remembered the depression and the attempts at suicide that Loki had gone through. He remembered being the only person Loki had been able to rely on. There were mornings that Loki physically couldn't get out of bed, bouts of unexplained anger, the looks of hopelessness, the insomnia, the reckless behaviour and the self-loathing, Thor had seen them all. He'd been there for them all.

Loki had never meant for this to happen. This wasn't his fault. It was a stupid, childish and spiteful, act gone wrong. And in the end, it didn't matter. Loki was still his brother. His family. What had happened was in the past and _no one_ could change that. Not Odin, not he and not Loki, no matter how desperately they all wanted to.

Thor stared at his father, comprehending and sorting through each of his emotions.

"It doesn't matter." He finally declared openly, his hands balling into fists at his sides, causing Odin's gaze to be redirected to him. "It mattered then maybe, but so much has changed now, Father.

Unlike you, I cannot hold onto such feelings or hold such festering grudges. If I did, I wouldn't have any family left at all. Yes, I miss mother and I'm sad for every day of her absence. But she is gone and she would not want me to hate my family for her death. She would not want me to blame anyone. What happened was a mistake. A mistake that cost us dearly, but a mistake none the less. I've lost her, but I cannot lose my brother too. You did not see him, Father. You weren't here when he tried so hard to end his life; to ' _atone'_ for what he'd done. You weren't the one who had to make sure he ate and slept. You were away in France dealing with your grief by yourself. You didn't think of how hard it would be for Loki _or_ myself. She may have been your wife but she was our mother.

When you think on Loki, do not see anything of the young child that mother loved so dearly? Or is Loki right, Father―did you never love him as your son?"

Odin looked at Thor with the gaze of a lost and confused old man. There was no sign of any ' _great leader_ ' here, only the pitiful sight of a man who could not forgive. Slowly, Thor watched as the words formed on Odin's lips, almost defeatedly.

"I… I did love him..." Odin started before correcting himself. "No. _I still love him_. Even now."

Thor nodded and left out a silent breath of relief. It wasn't much, but it was something. Perhaps this twisted love could somehow be repaired one day. If both parties were willing to work at it, that was.

"I know he hates me." Odin continued, looking down at his plate. "I know I stuffed up somewhere and then things only grew, piled one on another until… until Loki chose to spite me by paying someone to rob us."

"Sir," Jane interrupted on his left, mildly surprising everyone. "Loki is a smart boy. Did you ever think deeply on why he chose to have someone steal from you?"

"What are you trying to say, Jane?" Thor frowned, not even remotely understanding what she was getting at.

"It was obviously symbolic." She explained to the pair of them before directing her next statement to Odin. "I've noticed that Loki doesn't do things without meaning."

Jane wasn't a woman who used a multitude of words, but when she did, they produced a massive impact.

"Loki chose to target your possessions. He clearly never intended to _hurt_ anyone. I'm not sure what kind of message he was trying to send," she shook her head, "but whatever it was, it clearly didn't involve harming any of you. He _loves_ you." She directed to Thor before turning to Odin. " _All_ of you."

Odin blinked his tired eyes. "Loki doesn't love me anymore. It's a nice thought, Jane, but the reality is that I've said and done to much for him to ever claim me as his father again."

"You don't know what he thinks or feels!" Thor nearly snapped, reigning it in a the last second. "If you two just _talked,_ I know we could set things back on track. It wouldn't solve all your problems at once but, Rome wasn't built in a day."

Odin looked to his oldest son with a flicker of hope in his eyes. "Do you truly believe that we can repair the tattered shreds of our relationship?"

Thor and Jane both nodded, their expressions resolved and determined.

"Now," Thor finally breathed, pulling his phone from his pocket. "We may have a slightly more worrisome problem," Thor looked up and scanned the faces of the other two occupants at the table. "We have to find Loki."

* * *

 **A/N:  
** Odin haters, eat your heart out! He was a complete asshat this chapter, I won't deny it. Dad's have trouble expressing themselves sometimes and I think Odin may be one of the worst offenders of this. A shout out to both Lorelei Dream (thanks so much for your review and I hope you continue reading) and Bellanca (I'm glad this story still piques your interest after all this time and yes, Thor is quite oblivious. He is a classic, stereotypical jock.)


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six:**

Had it been five days or six? Loki wasn't sure. Stumbling, high out of his mind, across the concrete floor of the abandoned building, everything seemed to twist in new and bizarre directions. He wasn't the only one here, but his company only included other stoners and homeless drunks. He fell, sagging down the wall and landing on his arse as he reached into his coat pocket for another fix.

"Fuck." He swore aloud, discovering there was no cocaine left in the small, plastic bag. He threw it across the room and it landed in the middle with a light _plap_. Thanos, his dealer, wasn't due to be back here for another day. What was he going to do until then? Loki let out another curse and hauled himself back upright with the support of the wall. What was the point of all this anyway? Why did he continue to press on like this, to continue subsisting? The world had made it perfectly clear it didn't need nor want him. Why would it? Loki was nothing. Even as a child he hadn't been able live up to his parents expectations. When he was five he ran around the house and was told he was too loud. So, he took up books and then he "read too much" and was unnervingly quiet. He didn't take things seriously enough and then, he took things _too_ seriously. He'd been too sensitive and now he didn't care at father was right; he'd always been right. Nothing would ever change. Nothing could right the wrongs he'd committed. Nothing could change the fact that Frigga―his beloved mother―was dead all because of him. Everything was his fault. He'd wasted everyone's time and drained his family of life. He was the unintentional demon who, no matter how hard he tried or how much he wished it, simply could not do good. He _was_ evil. From every angle he looked at it. All he could see was a monster in the disguise of human flesh.

And now Thor knew too.

Now his brother and his brother's new wife hated him as well―they saw him for what he really was. When Odin had turned his back, somehow Loki had carried on, though he knew he wouldn't have done so without Thor. He wouldn't have had the strength in him. But Thor had strength enough for the both of them. Kind-hearted and loving Thor.

 _But now he knew too!_

Thor knew of the heinous crime he'd committed. It was Thor's hatred and disgust that he couldn't live with. He couldn't. He just _couldn't_. There was nothing left for him anymore. No one needed him and certainly no one wanted him. Perhaps the better option was just to...

Loki stared at the empty drug packet an idea settling in his mind. However, his idea was rammed straight through when, out of nowhere, a man crashed through the entranceway with panic displayed on his face and distracted Loki from his thoughts.

" _The police are coming!_ "

For half a second there was silence, following which, there was a sudden flurry of panic from everyone around him as they gathered their illicit substances and all tried to make a quick getaway. Something about the panic surrounding him spiked a sudden alarm and, by extension, a survival instinct in him. Loki wasn't stupid. He knew if he stayed here he'd be arrested, whether there were drugs on him or not. He was trespassing illegally anyway.

Grabbing his jacket he started to make his way out, using the wall again for support. However, he didn't make it more than a few feet before he heard the booming sound of another man. A man with authority in his voice.

"STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE! THIS IS THE POLICE!"

No one did freeze as the man had ordered, Loki included. Though the young Odinson did glimpse in horror as several other homeless members were tackled to the ground with unnecessary force by a number of policemen. Finding himself in a complete panic, Loki tried desperately to stumble out the back, but as he reached for the door he felt a brutish grip on his wrist and felt immediate pain flood to his arm. He let out a silent scream as whoever had grabbed him pushed him roughly to the ground and kneed him in the middle of his back. The wind was knocked right out of him and with a sudden spike of fear, he realised he couldn't breathe. He gasped like a fish out of water, but the pressure on his back only pushed down further as he struggled to get free. Dots blurred around his vision but he was not granted the mercy of passing out, instead, he was lifted from the ground and oxygen unexpectedly filled his lungs, making them burn.

Everything from then on was just one big blur of pain and confusion. His head was spinning as he was led away and thrown into some vehicle with several other squatters, some of whom he recognised, a few he didn't. Some of them sat on a bench but Loki was still having a hard time breathing or even moving so he didn't even bother to try moving from his place on the floor. It felt like an eternity passed before they were unloaded from the van and he was grabbed roughly by the collar and forced to walk towards a building, the name unreadable with his vision spinning like it was. He felt nauseous and every jarring step that he took only caused him more pain.

"Stop!" He squeaked, using all the air he had before urgently trying to fill his lungs again.

The person only pushed him forward more harshly and he stumbled to the ground. He only realised then, when he found his hands wouldn't respond, that he had actually been handcuffed.

"Come on, get up!" Growled a deep male voice, yanking him up by his collar and marching him forward again.

Loki blindly allowed himself to be pushed to wherever it was they were going and didn't protest, not even when they were inside the building, presumably a police station. He received a particularly forceful shove when he nearly tripped over his feet again but a voice stopped the man behind him and he was pulled to a stop as well, his nausea coming on stronger than before.

"Faulkes!" Barked the deep voice, annoyance shimmering on the surface of his tone. "Don't treat him so roughly! You'll be in deep trouble if that guy ends up being a minor. He doesn't look older than nineteen so you'd better watch yourself."

"Yes, Sargent Tyr. Will do so, sir." Faulkes replied, grabbing a better fistful of Loki's shirt.

Loki wondered how they would have treated him had he _not_ looked young. He shuddered at the prospect but quickly put it out of his mind. Now was not the time to start contemplating the corrupt system he lived in, he just needed to get through this with as little difficulty as possible.

After being searched and having his wallet confiscated, he found himself behind bars, several other drug addicts and homeless sitting along the walls, accompanying him. Loki found a place among them and curled into a ball, dealing with the feeling of sickness by burying his head in his knees. Inside his head he laughed. Finally he was where he belonged. Behind bars with the worthless scum and vile, disgusting trash of the world.

…. _Several Days Earlier_ ….

There was a solid knock at the door and Thor was the only one in the kitchen to hear it, his nerves heightened and jittery due to his overwhelming lack of sleep. The oldest Odinson hadn't slept more than eight hours over the past three days combined. Loki had never come home after his violent argument with Odin and as more time passed the more concerned and fearful Thor became for his brother's safety and also, his mental health. After taking care of Loki for so long without any support from his father, Thor understood just how unstable his brother could be and he prayed for dear life that he wasn't called in somewhere in a week or so to identify his little brother's cold, lifeless body. Loki had only left with his coat and his wallet. Thor had accidentally discovered―after twelve attempts to reach him―that Loki's phone remained on the lounge room coffee table.

The knock at the door made his heart jump into his throat at the glimmer of hope it presented. _Could it be…?_ Thor swallowed and tried to force his desperate wishing down to the bottom of his stomach as he abandoned the kitchen counter and the fresh cup of coffee he'd made. Crossing the kitchen and reaching for the handle, Thor wasn't exactly surprised when he noticed his hand trembling. Squeezing his eyes shut for the briefest of seconds and hesitating only long enough to shoot a prayer up skywards, Thor opened the front door and immediately his pipe dream was quickly sliced in half, his hope instantly plummeting into his gut so fast he almost felt physically ill when it wasn't Loki's face he saw. Instead it was an older, darker man with a bushy but neatly trimmed beard and eyes that looked as though they could stare into your soul. He wore a long, brown leather coat, carried a black bound book in one hand and an auburn briefcase in the other and greeted Thor with a deep, rumbling voice.

"Thor Odinson?"

The man pulled a shiny gold badge from his pocket and Thor sucked in a terrified breath. Oh god, his nightmares were coming to life. Something _had_ happened to Loki!

"Yes?" Thor answered, afraid of what news this strange official might have.

"Detective Heimdall, nice to meet you." Heimdall stuck out his beefy hand and Thor shook it before the detective strode past him into the house and set his things down onto the table. Pulling out a chair, Heimdall sat down and opened the leather bound book he'd been carrying. "Your father called me about your missing brother. I'm just here to ask some routine questions."

Thor's mouth pressed into a thin line and he closed the door silently. "I'll go get Jane and Father then."

"Very well," replied Heimdall, reclining in his chair. "It does help to have the story from every angle."

Thor rounded the corner and staggered into the lounge room, disappearing from Heimdall's sight, though the Odinson still had a weird feeling that the detective was watching him, even through the wall. Thor let out a shudder as he sagged against the wall. Well, at least nothing had happened to Loki... _for now_.

"Thor?" Jane queried, striding into the room with several documents in her arms and pausing when she noticed the distinctly distressed look her fiancé was wearing. "What's wrong?"

Thor swallowed and straightened himself, pushing away from the wall and forcing himself onto his feet. "There's a detective in the other room, he's here to ask questions about Loki."

Jane suppressed her surprise and controlled her sharp intake of breath. With Thor as distressed as he was, now was no time to go all maidenly―she was _his_ pillar of support. It would do no good for either of them if she were to let Thor even remotely clue in that she was feeling almost as terrified for Loki as he was. After spending so much time with the Odinson brothers, she found that she too was thinking of Loki as her little brother and she worried for him nearly as much as Thor did. However, Jane found that one of the benefits of Thor being so oblivious to sensitivity was that she could slip her instinctual reactions past him.

Setting her documents down on a side table, Jane gave Thor a reassuring squeeze to the forearm as she passed by him, making her way to the kitchen where she would serve the detective tea or coffee and settle him in while Thor recovered himself.

Thor didn't get time to recover himself however. He watched Jane exit into the room where Heimdall waited and then, as soon as she was no longer in sight, his jaw locked and his blonde eyebrows mashed together, creating a firm line. The oldest Odinson strode into the spare bedroom and found his father where he'd left him last―a green, velveteen chair with white lace trimmings around the bottom.

"Father," Thor bit out forcefully. "The detective you called is here."

Odin looked up from his book and eyed Thor pensively for a moment before closing it and removing his reading glasses, setting them both on the side table next to him.

Odin stood slowly, his back cracking as he lifted himself out of the chair. Thor's unnatural silence made the old man want to huff with irritation but he restrained himself. Thor was, unusually, saying a lot more without words than with them.

"I know what you want to say," Odin began, his eyes refusing to meet those of his oldest son. "But I'm not heartless, Thor, and… what you said to me the other day, well… I just… I wanted to say that… you're right. Frigga, she… she _never_ would have wanted this. What I did to Loki by rejecting him… Only after returning here can I truly see the damage I've caused...

Like a garden, I watered him with nothing but angry words and for the rest of the time I ignored his every attempt to bloom. Yet, when I looked to see my garden, not flowering beautifully but withering away, I told him he was worthless and he couldn't do anything right. So, he continued to grow, the poisonous plants and ugly weeds and strangulating vines overtaking all of the beautiful flowers that had shown so much promise. Yet _still_ I yelled, I berated, chastised and ignored. My garden started to hate with a passion so fierce that all the pretty trees caught on fire and burned to the ground. All that was left now was the poisonous plants, ugly weeds and strangulating vines and they all had their own vendetta against me. They too had to listen to my spiteful words, even from an early age, but they'd developed enough of a mind of their own to challenge me. So my garden took matters into his own hands and he tried to show me what I'd done, but the one mistake my garden made cost the both of us more than we each could bear. This one mistake only happened because I had not nurtured my garden. If I had looked after my garden like I should have, like I _told_ him I would, then neither my garden nor I would be suffering."

Odin finally looked up at his oldest son and Thor sucked in a sharp breath upon seeing hot tears pour down both sides of the old man's cheeks, unchecked and shameless. Thor had never seen such a sight in his many years. He'd _never ever_ seen his father cry.

"This is all my fault, Thor," Odin continued, breaking down even further. "My wife is gone and my son's disappearance is on my head. If I lose Loki too, then… then… I won't ever forgive myself!"

"Father," Thor grabbed the old man by his shoulders, his hands gripping tightly. "We're not going to lose Loki. I refuse for it to happen. Choosing _that_ way out is..." Thor paused, unable to finish his previous sentence. "I just have to hope that Loki is _stronger_ than that. I need him to remember everything I told him―now," Thor loosened his grip and let go of his father after giving his shoulders a hard squeeze like Jane had done for him. "The detective is in the kitchen. If we have any hope at all of finding Loki before something happens to him," _or he does something_ , Thor added mentally, "then that detective is our best shot."

After processing Thor's words, Odin gave a stiff nod and wiped away his tears with the handkerchief in his left pant pocket. Thor gave a weak smile, a bizarre sensation for him at the present moment, and gave the old man a reassuring nod.

"Good, then let's bring Loki home."

* * *

 **A/N:**  
HI! So I just want to say: Sorry if I lost anyone with my random garden analogy! It explained things nicely but I got carried away thinking of garden-y things. I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter and the next one will be up in the two days or so. For the people who are worried that I'll randomly stop or take an immensely long time to update, I 100% promise I won't! I truly am determined to finish this story over my holiday break before I go back to Uni so the whole story should be complete by the end of this month. Hope this cleared things up for you guys!

Much Love,  
Soulhearts


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven:**

Heimdall Rig Hallinskithi―a detective working in the missing persons unit―strode confidently through the front doors of the station to be immediately greeted with a vast wash of relief. The past week alone had been an absolute nightmare and it was somehow comforting to be back in the station where no crying mothers or despairing fathers could plead with him to find their child's whereabouts. He'd been working overtime for god knows how many days now and had double the amount of cases he was supposed to because _two_ separate officers were on suspended leave with pay. If any more officers got themselves suspended then Heimdall knew they'd have to start giving some of the juniors some heftier cases and with their lack of experience they'd only end up fouling some pretty big decisions. To top it all off, he would would be training some youngster anyway because his previous partner had just landed himself a promotion. Heimdall was half-jokingly entertaining the idea of getting _himself_ suspended, just so he could go on a break.

The older man turned left down the main hall and made a very quick bathroom break before continuing towards his desk after grabbing an instant coffee from the vending machine next to the chief's office. Heimdall allowed his mind to relax for a moment as he watched the steady stream of black coffee dribble into his cup, but he found himself reflecting on his latest case. The last questioning he'd been on had involved some nineteen year old boy with mental health issues and a tendency for suicide, which is what Heimdall found most concerning. The family had called the police because he'd gone missing a few days ago after an argument and hadn't returned. All in all, Heimdall knew the family was worried, but he'd worked so many cases like this that it didn't even phase him anymore. When it turned out the kid was just another corpse lying in a gutter somewhere, Heimdall wouldn't be surprised―not that he wouldn't try his damnable _hardest_ to not see that happen. The detective wasn't like many officers in the force. This wasn't just a job to him, this was his way of life and calling. It was his skillful, observant eyes and attention to detail that impressed most people but he wasn't one to brag about it. He was a modest man and hard-working, but like most impassioned people dedicated to their cause, he'd made a few mistakes during his time which had cost him pay-rises and promotions alike. His mistakes weren't because he'd missed anything or neglected an aspect of his work, in fact it was the sore opposite. He'd been willing to go above and beyond, breaking rules in order to see justice done to those who deserved it. However, his young days and visions of decorated glory vanished behind the accomplishments of his peers and the up and coming rookies who tried less than he did. He still did his work with a passion to see things put right but he no longer had any illusions about what he did or where he was going in life.

After snatching his cup from underneath the machine, he continued down the halls and was greeted with a few nods on his way through, but no one stopped the giant of a man as he made his way to his desk and of that he was grateful. Dumping the notebook which held all the notes from his past interview in a drawer and storing his briefcase underneath his desk, Heimdall sagged in his office chair and shut his eyes wearily for a few moments, hoping to get a few minutes of rest.

"Hey!" Unexpectedly, something papery made contact with the back of his head and Heimdall opened his eyes again, rolling them as he looked at a very familiar co-worker's ugly mug. "No slacking on the job!"

'Piss off, Tyr." He vituperated to the roguish man who wore a self-satisfied but jesting smirk, unable to think of or return a clever retort due to his overwhelming fatigue. "You _know_ how hard I'm working here."

Tyr gave a sniff and shrugged. "Whatever, glad I'm not in your shoes anymore."

"Yeah," Heimdall turned in his seat to face the other man who had quickly perched himself on the edge of the detective's desk. "What department _did_ you get reassigned to after the shuffle?"

Tyr had previously been Heimdall's partner in missing persons, but after some officer's suspension, the whole station, it seemed, had been shuffled around and several people had been demoted or promoted. Heimdall had fortunately been unaffected, however his previous sideman had snatched an Olympic gold medal from underneath several older officer's noses and had grabbed the big promotion. Heimdall had indeed had a good laugh when Tyr had run to tell him―he could only imagine the more experienced faces of the other officers when they'd found out it was Heimdall's protégé that had stolen their most coveted prize.

"'Drugs and Detection'," Tyr stated plainly, a light smirk appearing on his face. "―I should really thank Johnson for getting his ass fired, 'ey."

"He didn't get fired," Heimdall rolled his eyes again as Tyr procured an irritating grin. "He was given leave with pay."

"Whatever, it's as good as. Leave with pay? Fired? What's the difference, Heimdall?" Tyr asked rhetorically, "We both know he's not coming back after the inquiry is over. That man is―" Tyr pretended to shoot a paper ball into the waste basket at his old desk, "―in the trash now!"

"Yeah, fair point..." Heimdall huffed, turning his eyes to his computer before pressing the on button and stifling a yawn behind his hand. He really need a break, all this work was sure catching up to him and he wasn't as young as he used to be.

"Ah, don't be disappointed it wasn't you who got bumped up the ladder, buddy. There are plenty more opportunities for hard-working men such as yourself!" Tyr jested, slamming the file in his hand down onto the table.

"Get outta here you moron!" Heimdall snapped, pretending to be more offended and riled than he actually was. Tyr hopped off Heimdall's desk with another sly smile. He knew of Heimdall's previous adventurous escapades and why the older wasn't offered any promotions at all. He had frequently teased him about it since receiving his own promotion.

"I'm your superior now, remember? Better watch that language!" Tyr laughed over his shoulder, striding away with a spring in his step. "See ya later, bud!"

"Little prick..." Heimdall snarled as soon as the other man was out of sight, but it held no real vexation in it and the detective picked up the folder that Tyr had subtly left on his desk, starting to flip through it.

"Ah, damn it..." he muttered under his breath, his eyes scanning over the photos and flipping through the pages. "Another one? God, can't these kids just stay at home? Little ass-holes…"

Picking up his note book and shoving it in his coat, Heimdall hauled himself out of his comfortable desk chair and, for the umpteenth time that day, headed out for another questioning. Yup, it was going to be another _long_ week.

* * *

At first, as he drifted back to consciousness, Odin could feel nothing but the grey space that most felt when they woke, but upon opening his eyes and looking up towards the plain white ceiling of the spare room, the profound emotion of loss hit him so hard that it felt as though someone were squeezing the life from his lungs or had their hands wrapped around his neck in a choke-hold. _Why was he so adept at failing his family?_

The old man didn't even bother to bury his face in the pillow as the sobs started to wrack through his form. If only things could go back to the way they once were… No. That would solve nothing. Somehow they'd still end up here. If only he wasn't such a terrible father. If he'd tried harder… He hadn't meant the things he'd said to Loki. He still didn't mean them and he desperately wished he could take it all back; rewind time and change his words. The yelled conversation he'd had with Loki on that night still played in his mind like a broken record―it replayed over and over and over again.

" _Why didn't you just leave me where I was?"_

He'd seen it then. It was in those exact words that Loki had bared his heart to him for the last time. Odin had watched Loki put his soul on the line. For him, it wasn't just a flippant query, it was a question of his existence.

" _I should have!"_

He'd barked in retaliation. _Oh, he was stupid!_ The pain that had reflected back at him was so deep and immense that Odin could've sworn he'd looked into the eyes of someone who'd lived for thousands of years and witnessed great tragedies. He never should have said that. He should have said something else… _anything_ else! Anything but those words. He wished Frigga were here. She'd know what to do, what to say. She'd always been better than he at dealing with Loki. Her words had served as comfort to his youngest son, but his had always hurt, even when they'd not been intended to do so. Why had he said those things? If Loki wasn't found, the last thing he would have said to his son was his accusations as to why Frigga was dead because of him.

"I… I've made such a horrible mistake…" Odin muttered under his breath as a tear rolled off the end of his nose. The old man rolled over in his bed and pushed himself upright, wiping away the tears he'd shed as he stood. Dwelling on it now would do no good. It would not bring Loki back.

Odin forced himself to dress and just as he fixed his belt in place, a knock came at the door. Without a batted eyelid, Odin granted whoever it was permission to enter.

"Father?" Thor poked his haggard looking face around the door and Odin, upon looking up, nearly cringed at the horrible, pasty sight of his oldest son. Briefly he'd forgotten about the suffering that Thor must also be going through, but it was obvious now. Thor was going through hell too, just like he was. Except Odin knew how to hide his pain, he'd practiced for so long after all. Thor was less skilled at hiding his emotions behind a mask of stoicism and fortitude, he'd always tended to wear his heart on his sleeve so Odin supposed that Loki was more like him in this respect. They both hid their agony behind locked doors.

"Jane and I are going out to hang the missing person posters she printed of Loki around town. Are you going to come?"

Odin looked at his oldest son for a moment, an unreadable expression pertaining to thought and laced with worry on his face. Would this really do anything? He wondered, looking down to Thor's right hand and spying a number of loose sheets with Loki's smiling face from previous school photos on them. If Loki saw these in the street, would he come home? Would Loki allow him to beg for forgiveness? All Odin wanted to do was pull Loki into his tight embrace and never let him go. He would right things, telling his son the words he should have said years ago: that he was proud of all Loki had accomplished. That he _loved_ him.

The feelings of guilt assaulted him again and Odin looked down to his hands, rubbing them together gently. He didn't know if this would do anything, but it didn't matter. For Loki, he still had to try.

"Yes," Odin answered, his gaze rising to meet that of Thor's. "I'm coming. I want to find Loki just as much as you do."

* * *

 **A/N:  
** No Loki this chapter and it's shorter than intended but I hit the grey point in my planning and had to work it out. Loki will be in the next chapter though and we're steadily getting closer to the end. Hope you enjoyed and please leave a review if you have time or haven't done so already- that way I know if I've rambled to much about one thing or haven't explained something properly.

Much Love,  
Soulhearts


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight:**

Loki was patted down by the fourth separate guard since he'd arrived at the police station and was surprisingly level headed and sane considering all that had happened and the lack of illicit drugs in his system. Though cocaine was supposed to stay in one's system for about two to four days, Loki's metabolism must have worked on the faster end of the spectrum as he was already feeling as though emotion had no meaning and was itching for another fix―though he hid his jitters extremely well and so far, no one had accused him of carrying anything illegal. However, the sanity he showed outwardly was only a cover for the void he felt inside. He legitimately couldn't feel _anything_ under his surface of practiced emotions, though he wasn't sure if this was withdrawal or something _more_. There were no waves of anger or sadness or guilt. There was no real distress about the situation he'd found himself in. What did he care anyway? No one missed him and no one was looking for him or worried about his well-being. A year ago he knew Thor would have been and that was what had always brought him back to the surface, what had dragged him from the grey-matter back to the unending guilt he'd always felt. Somehow, from the guilt had come the shame and then the anger and then the sadness and then… and then Thor had always wrapped his arms around him as he sobbed and sobbed until there was nothing left. Thor would smile at him, tell him everything would be alright. He was there after all. Thor was there and he would take care of Loki, he promised. And always, slowly, he'd be pulled back from underneath the dull, icy, numbing waters and find, for a time, some peace.

But that didn't exist anymore. _Home_ was just a word now. It wasn't a place or a person anymore.

Eventually, Loki was given the "all-clear" by the guard who'd patted him down and he was marched forward into a different room, a room Loki had only ever seen on crime show dramas. The guard pushed him into a chair, opposite of which sat another man, a police officer, a steel table dividing them. Loki fiddled with his fingers, picking at the bits of skin around the edges of his nails and glancing around the room with curious nervousness, staring at the one-way mirror with fake amusement. The policeman, a positively boring man with the most generic face Loki had ever seen, turned to him, clipboard in one hand and a pen in the other, ready to fire off his questions without even glancing up.

"Right, so, your name?"

"Loki."

The police officer looked up with a glimmer of irritation. "Last name?"

"Oh, ah, Odinson."

"Weird name…" he heard the guy mutter, writing it down and ticking some boxes. "Age?"

"Nineteen." Loki answered directly.

"Date of birth?"

"August sixth, nineteen-ninety-five."

"Right, well," the officer looked up again, this time his expression devoid of any annoyance Loki had created. "Odinson, you're free to go. Since you weren't in any possession of drugs when we picked you up―"

Loki thanked his lucky stars that he'd thrown the bag away from him before being arrested and was doubly grateful that they'd neglected to pick up the one piece of evidence that could have them holding him here much longer, not to mention pressing charges of being in possession of an illegal substance.

"―you're allowed to leave, however, you will incur a five-hundred dollar fee for trespassing on government property which will need to be paid within fourteen days, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask: do you have a home address?"

Suddenly he was less grateful. The officer's expression had softened somewhat as he asked if Loki had a home, but Loki was well aware of the answer expected. He could always tell the man his home address, pass the fee onto Thor, but he knew he couldn't do that to his honest older brother. It didn't matter if Thor hated him now, he'd still been there for Loki when no one else had been and it felt wrong to repay him like this. Loki was soiled now―he couldn't drag Thor down with him, he couldn't continue ruining the lives of those he loved most.

"No," he lied. "I don't have…"

Loki let his sentence trail away and the officer sighed with a shake of his head as he looked back down at his clipboard, scribbling on it some more.

"Very well," he clucked, standing in the process and prompting Loki to do so as well. "You're just going to have to pick up your fine along with your items at the desk."

Loki nodded and closed his eyes for a brief moment. There was no way he would be able to find five-hundred dollars for this fine―what was he going to do? For half a second he considered going to Thanos and asking him to put him through to someone who'd be willing to lend him the money temporarily but that idea quickly passed; it would only end badly, he'd seen things like this happen before.

"Kid―! You wanna leave here or not?"

Loki's eyes broke open and he realised that the officer had now called his name for the third time as he held the door open for him, the irritation back in the man's expression.

Loki tore himself away from the metal desk and bolted at a fast walk from the room under the scrutinous eyes of several officers who watched him suspiciously. He didn't take it to heart. He was unkempt and greasy from remaining unshowered for several days and it was their job to be on the look out for criminal activity. He truly was the garbage of the world now. Unwanted, disowned, homeless and living in poverty―he'd finally found his way to the bottom of the trash can. He was the filthy slime that clung to the walls, the disgusting scent you couldn't name but hurried to get away from as past as possible on the street. Somehow he'd find his way back here again, he knew it. He could feel it as though it were tangible, as though it would certainly come to pass. He'd find himself in jail and Thor would come to stare at him with expressions of disgust, fury and sorrow. He'd ask why Loki had done it, why he'd killed their mother with his selfishness, why he'd wanted to spite their father. It wouldn't matter how hard he denied it either, Thor would not believe him. He was revolting, repulsive, monstrous and _wicked_! There wasn't anything on the planet that was more of an abomination than he.

Finally, finding the sign that pointed him to the desk from which he could collect his things, Loki barely registered anything at all as he followed the posted instructions and waited in line. An indistinctive numbness had spread throughout his entire being and everything around him seemed to fade from grey to black as he floated through the world as nothing more than a speck of dust. Every now and again a flit of colour would fly past his vision but his lethargic actions never allowed him to catch the speck of light that looked so pretty in the distance but was so hard to obtain. He didn't deserve it anyway. The brightness and the colour should go to those who deserved it. Those who deserved a happy ending. Not him.

Loki, upon finding himself at the front of the queue, reached a sharp old lady with a pointy nose and aggravated features. Her hair, steadily fading from brunette to grey was twisted up tightly and pinned to her scalp with several thousand pins that poked out in every direction. Her face, lined with wrinkles, particularly between her brow and around her eyes, sported a pair of red, diamond shaped glasses that only served to accentuate her angry looking face.

"Name?" She barked from behind a steal grate and plastic screen, mashing her glasses into the bridge of her nose with her long, manicured nails.

"Odinson, Loki." He answered, learning from the irritation of the officer in the interview room that they didn't go by first names here.

The old lady looked down, apparently at a monitor that Loki couldn't see and clicked away on a keyboard, her nails tapping away. Loki waited, observing quietly as she found what she was looking for before disappearing into the rows of shelving behind her. The young Odinson heard some rustling and could have sworn he heard the old bat curse, but as the police station was a hive of activity, it could have very well been someone else passing by.

When she returned, she placed on the counter a large, clear plastic bag which Loki could see held his coat and wallet inside and slid it underneath the grate where there was a small opening, just big enough to fit Loki's things through.

"Also," the woman gargled, her voice husky as though she'd smoked far too many cigarettes in her lifetime. "Here'sya fine fo' trespassin'. Pay within fourteen days or else you'll end up back 'ere but with an impending court case loomin' over ya head. If you can't pay then after the court case then you'll likely be assigned community service or somethin' like that."

Loki articulated a dull, emotionless thanks and snatched his items from the other side of the counter before moving out the way and pulling his things from the bag. He pulled on his coat, thankful that he'd had the sense to take it with him after a night in the cold cell with only a thin shirt, Seizing his wallet from the bottom of the plastic container, he quickly shoved it in his left coat pocket before tightly rolling up the plastic bag and jamming it in his back right pocket along with the egregiously expensive fine he couldn't pay.

With a shaky puff of breath, Loki flicked his hood over his head, determinedly stuck his cold hands in his coat pocket and put his head down, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. Where was he going to go? Why bother to even leave this place, he'd only end up here again anyway… His thoughts started to spiral downwards and his hands trembled minutely.

He did have _one_ option. The longer he thought about it, the more sense it made. The conflicting pieces of the puzzle that constructed his poorly structured life seemed to fall away as he began to realise that he didn't have to _finish_ the puzzle. If a puzzle was ugly or boring or hard it was often abandoned. In fact, Loki recalled a few occasions as a child when Thor had grown so frustrated with something like building blocks or magic cubes or puzzles that he'd thrown them to the ground and they'd smashed into millions of tiny little pieces. After that, they were properly broken―no use to anyone. Frigga had always scolded her oldest son and Loki had watched with smarting tears. He'd liked putting those things together, why did Thor always want to break them? Now Loki couldn't play with them either! Yet, in the end, no matter how badly Loki had wanted to fix the toys that Thor had smashed, Frigga or Odin had always thrown them out. After all, what use was something when it was broken?

The way things stood made him reflect quietly on his own pieces. He was a puzzle that Odin had picked up from a yard sale. He'd not come in a box so Odin did not know how many pieces he had, yet, he was cheap―free even. So, Odin took his new distraction home and started putting him together. However, eventually Odin realised that there were more pieces of the puzzle than he cared to arrange―not to mention that there were sections of the puzzle that all looked the same to someone who wasn't very good at looking for the finesse details―and now, this was what Loki had been left as. An unfinished puzzle who probably had a few pieces missing. What did anyone care if the puzzled was tossed away? Odin could find a newer, better puzzle if he so desired and Thor was already perfect and whole so what did anyone need Loki for? …Of course, there was always _that_ option. He could close his eyes to all mortal things. Allow himself departure from the stage and take final rest from pain and sorrows. Relinquish life.

Distracted by his plummeting thoughts, Loki failed to notice the man―also distracted by a number of paper documents in his hands―heading straight for him.

"Oh, shit!" the man cursed, the documents flying in every direction as the two collided.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry!" Loki cried apologetically, falling to his knees and scrambling to pick up the papers for the righteous looking man. "It was an accident, I'm so very sorry!"

Loki noted that the man appeared to be some sort of officer working in the force and he was tall with a trimmed beard and searching, soulful eyes.

"It's alright kid, stop apologising." The older man replied, also getting onto his knees and gathering up the documents.

"It's not!" Loki nearly shouted with a shake of his head, quite close to tears in fact as he tried to sort the papers as best he could. He looked up at the man with sincerity in his eyes. If he was destined for termination, surely he could offer up as much of his spirit as he could before he passed on. "Is there any way I can make up for this foul blunder and inconvenience I've caused you _Mr_. …? _"_

 _"_ Hallinskithi, detective Hallinskithi, though most people just call me Heimdall." The detective replied with a courteous nod. "But seriously kid, it's fine, really. You don't owe me anything, alright?"

Loki stared at him for a moment before giving in. "Alright, if you say so."

"I do." Heimdall flashed a toothy smile, giving the kid a brief glance all over. "Go home kid. Take a shower. From the looks of you I'd say you've been in holding for a good while, am I right?"

Loki bobbed his head in affirmation and gave an assertive hum, handing the documents over to Heimdall.

"You'll feel better once you've bathed." Heimdall continued as the two of them stood. "Trust me."

The detective clapped him on the shoulder and gave him a confident nod. "Take care, you hear? I hope I don't see you here again." Heimdall strode off, his mind fighting through an obnoxious cloud of fog as he tried to remember why that young kid had given him such a familiar feeling. By god, that young man had looked _awfully_ familiar. Heimdall could feel a knot tightening in his stomach as an unusual wave of nervous anxiety overtook him. Why did he think he should know that boy?

However, the detective continued to walk onwards, heading towards his desk where he would finally be able to review his files for the day and he completely missed the final words Loki uttered in his direction.

"Don't worry, you won't see me here again."

And with that, his mind was made up. He wasn't wanted anymore. He wasn't _needed_ at all. Loki marched towards the exit, pushing open the doors with a final resolve. Stepping into the dull sunlight, the youngest, homeless Odinson strode down the street with his final purpose in mind. If there was no reason for his existence, why was he still here?

Life just wasn't worth it anymore.

* * *

 **A/N:**  
UUUUGGGH. Sorry. Also if anyone's wondering why August 6th is Loki's birthday it's because August 6th was the first date he appeared in the marvel comics back in 1949 (according to Wikipedia anyway). As an aside, if anyone wants to write me a better summary, feel free.

Much Love,  
Soulhearts


	9. Chapter 9

_Trigger Warning: Suicide allusions._

* * *

 **Chapter Nine:**

Sitting at his desk, Heimdall shuffled through yet another pile of papers, huffing as he tapped them into line on the surface of the desk before neatly sliding them back into a folder marked ' _missing'_ in red ink _._ Squirming a bit in his chair, Heimdall attempted to get more comfortable butno matter what the detective tried he just couldn't seem to calm down, he still felt unsettled by his encounter with the young man earlier that day. That greasy, black-haired kid with dark circles under his eyes and sunken cheekbones had looked far too familiar and Heimdall felt almost positive he knew the boy but couldn't for the life of him remember _why._ There was a dark sense of urgency rising inside him and the longer he sat at his desk, the more fidgety he got. The officer knew that something was truly off, but what? What was it about that boy that put him so severely on edge? Heimdall knew he could trust his intuition however, said intuition had also previously been known to lead him into trouble. Yet, he couldn't just ignore it. That much was obvious.

"God damn it…" he muttered to himself, throwing the cream manila folder in his hand onto his overcrowded desk and shoving his face into his hands, trying to rub the burning, overtired sensation from the back of his eyes. Who _was_ he?

"Troubles?" Tyr alerted Heimdall to his presence with a smirk in his tone and a click of his tongue as he proceeded to lean himself against the side of the detective's desk with an air of familiarity.

"No." Heimdall bit back out of frustration, only proving to give Tyr a good laugh. "Go away, Tyr." Heimdall retorted brusquely, frowning into his palms. Tyr was a good friend and a great comrade but the man could be… well, he could be a little nosy and Heimdall simply could not be bothered by Tyr's idle curiosity at the moment.

"Grouchy again today I see…" Tyr continued to chuckle, only serving to piss Heimdall off even more.

"Don't you have other things to do― _you know, being the head of some department and all that?_ " The detective finally snapped, raising his head from his hands once more and directing an angry glare at his ex-partner.

Tyr only grinned, folding his arms over his chest and looking down towards the older man. "Nope! We cleared out everyone from the last drugs bust this morning. There's only drunkards in the holding cells now."

 _Holding cells_ …

Of course, that kid had come out of the holding cells! Heimdall's mind slowly started to put the pieces together. If the boy had come _out_ of the holding cells, what had put him in there? Tyr had just told him that they'd either let go or charged those whom they'd arrested from the drug raid yesterday and since the kid had left early in the morning, Heimdall knew he'd been let go. There were so many things that could have put him in the holding cells but Heimdall had a gut twisting feeling that the young man had simply happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. However, if he was in such a place it would mean he had nowhere else to go, so he was homeless but if Heimdall had seen his face before it _could_ mean he'd been reported missing! And then that would explain why his face continued to haunt Heimdall...

The detective's expression darkened and his forehead furrowed, his brows nearly knitting together as he suddenly started rifling and rummaging through the hundreds of documents scattered all over his desk.

"Heimdall?" Tyr prompted, quickly standing at Heimdall's sudden spur of serious alertness. "What is it? What are you looking for?"

"There was a kid who left the holding cells this morning and I bumped into him on his way out." Heimdall explained, still opening and closing folders marked ' _missing_ ' as he talked. "He looked so fucking familiar but I couldn't remember where the hell I'd seen his face before but―"

Heimdall suddenly stopped as his eyes fell the portrait inside the folder he'd just opened. His heart leapt up into his throat and he gave a hard swallow as he grimaced in victory. Yes. This was the kid he'd seen earlier today. It was the same guy, but the one he'd run into was thin looking and haggard, nothing like the smiling boy in the picture he held. His vision blurred as his victory fell away and was replaced by violent, sickening worry. He immediately recalled the interview he'd had with the concerned family and he remembered the horrible, dark look on the unkempt boy's face as he left the station that very morning. Heimdall was very suddenly concerned and Tyr looked down at him as the detective's explanation started to sink in as reality for the both of them. The kid, Loki, had worn _that_ look. The look of someone who'd given up. At the time he'd believed it to be because he'd been in the holding cells all night but with a pang, Heimdall realised it wasn't that at all. It was a much more odious expression than he'd realised.

"Oh, shit!" He swore loudly, startling Tyr who quickly demanded another explanation. "Shit! Shit! Shit!"

Heimdall rose from his desk and started pacing, the folder still in his hand and the photograph still smiling up at him. He was aware of several curious gazes from other officers at their desks but he ignored them as he ran a hand through his dark, unwashed-for-three-days hair and tried to remember what Loki had said to him in the conversation they'd had that morning. Had the kid said anything useful? Was there anything in his words that might give him a clue as to where the boy would be going or headed? His gut twisted and he felt ready to convulse. This could very well be the biggest mistake of his career… and a family would pay for it.

" _What?!_ " Tyr prompted again, this time more forcefully as he jammed his hands onto his hips. "What the hell are you raving about, Heimdall?" He added with a flamboyant hand gesture to the air.

The detective came to a halt and his eyes drove straight into Tyr's with a piercing gaze that held overwhelming amounts of dread.

" _I think he's about to kill himself_."

"Oh." Tyr managed to reply, his face also draining a little of colour.

Heimdall shook his head in an attempt to clear it. Now was not the time to be unprofessional. He needed to remember everything Loki had said. The detective grabbed his standard police belt out of his draw and buckled it around his waist without a moments hesitation.

"Hey, wait―!" Tyr grabbed his ex-partner's forearm and Heimdall spun around, growling at the other man.

"Now is not the time for complacency, Tyr! I have to go, this kid is―" Heimdall launched into a yell but Tyr quickly cut over the top.

"I know," the younger man interrupted, a different belt in his hand. "I'm coming with you."

* * *

Jane looked at Thor with increasing amounts of worry as she cooked their meal in silence. Odin and Thor both sat at the kitchen table but neither of them had uttered a word since sitting down. Odin, her father-in-law, looked far thinner and older than when he'd first arrived, but all of them did now―ever since Loki had disappeared that fateful night. However, Odin's well-being wasn't really in her high priorities. It was Thor who looked like he was about to have a complete mental and emotional breakdown at any given moment. Her fiancé was still beside himself with worry and nothing had detracted from his concerned thoughts since Loki disappeared. Jane completely understood how he felt though. Already she felt as though she were a mother to Loki and she'd only known him for a month, Thor had known him his entire life! It was the uncertainty they all couldn't stand. She hoped and prayed that Loki returned home safely but with every passing day she felt that hope start to dwindle. She feared the worst but when she looked at Thor she desperately wished it wasn't the case. Jane wasn't sure what Thor would do if he had to identify Loki's corpse.

Turning off the stove, Jane grabbed a ladle and picked up a bowl, scooping a generous amount of soup into each even though she knew that none of them would be able to keep that amount of food in their stomachs for very long. Thor was trying not to worry her with his loss of appetite but his attempts were futile because she knew he was getting up in the middle of the night and hauling up the contents of his stomach unwillingly. He didn't sleep and he barely ate, but Jane still kept her spirits upbeat, if only for Thor's sake. She was constantly telling him that Loki was going to come home any day now and after a while Thor would nod and his face would briefly lift some of it's neurotic concern but it would always return after a few hours.

Jane set the bowls down onto the place-mats and gently encouraged the other two to eat as much as they could but she knew from the looks on their faces that they probably wouldn't eat more than three or four spoonfuls. Odin and Jane both picked up their spoons but Thor's trembling hands remained on either side of his place-mat.

"Thor," Jane gripped his right hand with her left and stared at him with a deep frown when he didn't move a muscle. "Thor, please, he'll come home… I'm sure he will…"

"Do you really believe that Jane," he whispered through unmoving lips as his watery eyes remained fixated on a point at the other end of the rectangular table. "Or are you just saying that?"

Jane looked away as shame rose in her cheeks. She couldn't deny it, she felt uncertain too but she had to _try_.

"You're right, Thor," she snapped, withdrawing her hand and causing Thor to look up at her with surprise and shock. "You're right, I _don't_ know if Loki is going to come home safely. I don't know if he's even alright now, but if I don't keep believing that he is, what hope do I have? What hope do any of us have?"

Jane looked down at her bowl and, though she was feeling sick to her stomach, she shoved a spoonful of soup in anyway.

"I'm sorry, Jane." Thor muttered, repenting on his words and dwelling on his actions. "I'm so sorry. I know this is hard for you… You've been so supportive and loving towards me since Loki went missing and I'm repaying you like this. I'm so sorry, I'm a horrible man."

Thor quickly raised his hands to his face but not before Jane saw several hot tears start to cascade down his hollow cheeks. Guilt immediately welled up inside her and she abandoned her soup as she leaned over and cradled Thor's covered face with her hands.

"No, no, Thor―" she hushed gently, "I'm the one who should be sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you..."

The table lapsed into silence again and Jane slowly removed Thor's hands from his face and started brushing away his tears with the pads of her thumbs. Thor was the one to break the stale silence and he gripped both of Jane's hands gently as they froze on his cheeks.

"I hope you're right, Jane." He murmured so that only the two of them could really hear.

Jane gave him a reassuring smile and was about to offer some encouraging words when the phone unexpectedly rang. Announcing that she would get it, Jane hopped up from the table and made her way down to the wall phone in the hall which quickly silenced it's incessant ringing when she picked it out of it's cradle.

"Hello? This is the Odinson residence." Jane answered politely, her voice showing none of her earlier strain. She half expected it to be one of Thor's close friends and half expected it to be a telemarketer, but what she got was something else entirely.

" _Ms. Odinson? It's Detective Heimdall_ _―_ _we spoke the other day?"_

Jane's eyes bulged wide and she suddenly found herself gripping the phone for dear life.

"This is about Loki―have you found him?! Is he alright?!" She nearly shouted into the receiver and was unsurprised when she heard two chairs being scraped back hastily in the kitchen.

" _Sort of…"_ Jane heard the detective reply just as Thor and Odin reached her, both faces painted with anxious hope.

"What do you mean by ' _sort of_ '?" She barked harshly, watching as Thor's face fell into that of horror. "… please tell me he's not…" she added with a whisper.

" _He's not dead Ms. Odinson,"_ Heimdall replied as Jane let out half a sigh of relief, short lived as it was. _"However, we're not sure how long things will remain this way..."_

"What do you mean?" She asked, already knowing exactly what the detective had meant by his words.

" _Listen, is there anywhere you can think of that Loki might go?_ " Heimdall pressed, hoping to get a somewhat helpful answer.

On the other end, Jane shook her head in despair even though she knew Heimdall could not see her. Turning to the two men in the hallway, Jane repeated the detective's question and watched as Thor desperately tried to recall if Loki had said anything that could be remotely useful in the past. However, it was Odin who answered first and with a grim expression, he took the phone from Jane's hand.

"I know where he's gone." Odin said into the receiver, closing his eyes and dredging up a memory he hadn't thought of in years. "I know where he's going…"

* * *

 **A/N:**  
A special thanks to fullsignal for helping me rewrite the summary. I think it's so much better now than it ever has been before! I'm still annoyed at myself for accidentally deleting my original summary though...  
Also, a continued thank you to everyone who reviewed my last chapter. I'm sorry you had to wait this long for an update but I had two full days of working from nine-thirty in the morning until midnight! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the next one should be out sooner. Not sure how many more chapters there will be at this stage but I'll see how I go. Again, THANK YOU ALL FOR THE BEAUTIFUL REVIEWS! And I'll talk to you all next time!

Much Love,  
Soulhearts


	10. Chapter 10

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: MORE SUICIDE REFERENCES/ALLUSIONS**

* * *

 **Chapter Ten:**

 _A ray of unexpected sunlight suddenly broke through the early morning fog and Odin Allfather marveled at its brilliance as he drove along the empty highway, his wife beside him and his beloved boys in the back seat. Frigga gasped almost inaudibly beside him as she too was struck with awe by the incredible sight._

" _It's beautiful, isn't it." Odin murmured, keeping his voice low so he wouldn't wake the sleeping duo in the back._

 _Frigga hummed in agreement and Odin stole a glance at his beautiful wife, her golden hair shimmering in the early rays. "This was a good idea," Frigga continued, her eyes never leaving the sight in front of her and Odin training his back onto the road ahead. "The boys will love this holiday, I know it."_

 _Odin smiled to himself, somewhat proud of the father he'd become. Even though they'd found out Frigga couldn't have anymore children after she'd had Thor, it hadn't stopped the two of them adopting a beautiful baby boy―Loki―and both of Odin's children had grown to be strong-minded and caring boys, in their own ways at least._

" _Mother…?"_

 _Odin flicked his gaze around for a moment and spied Loki rubbing his eyes and leaning forwards on his seat. He gave Loki a caring smile before fixing his eyes ahead again, allowing Frigga to deal with their youngest son._

" _Good morning sunshine," Frigga whispered happily, still keeping her voice soft as Thor still slumbered heavily. "How was your nap?"_

 _Loki mumbled something indistinct before seating himself on the middle seat in the back so he could talk to both his parents._

" _Are we nearly at the airport?" Loki asked a moment later as the sun started to climb higher._

" _Nearly." Odin replied, one hand on the wheel as he changed gears in order to exit the highway, going underneath a colourful bridge which quickly captured Loki's attention._

 _The young boy gasped, looking out the back window as his eyes popped open from the incredible colours attached to the metalwork of the footbridge that crossed over the top of the highway. The entire length was covered in ribbons and flowers in every hue of every colour._

" _Mother, Father―did you_ see _that?!" Loki cried in a stage whisper, barely containing his surprised excitement._

" _Yes, Loki." Odin answered grimly as he placed both hands back on the wheel._

" _What was it?" Loki pressed in a forceful mutter, looking between the two adults. "Why were there so many ribbons attached to that bridge? Was there some kind of festival?"_

" _No, no there wasn't…" Odin continued, a sigh escaping as Loki's attention fell fully onto him. "I… I really wish you hadn't seen that."_

 _Loki frowned, puzzled by his father's words. What did he mean? The bridge looked so happy and colourful, why would his father wish for him not to see it?_

" _Why?" He quickly questioned, resting his elbows on the shoulders of their seats._

Because it means I'm going to have to explain something you're too young to understand _, Odin thought to himself. The older man cleared his throat as Frigga subtly patted his knee._

" _Sometimes Loki, people aren't happy," Odin began, his eyes never wavering from the road as he spoke. "And sometimes their unhappiness can last for months or even years."_

 _Loki listened intently, briefly wondering what Odin's explanation had to do with the copious amounts of ribbon tied to the bridge._

" _These people aren't just upset that they've broken a toy or that they've misplaced a book," Odin tried to simplify for his young son, "it's much more serious than that―their sadness grows into something called depression, Loki."_

" _I know that word," Loki interjected quietly, "I read it in a book once but I didn't know what it meant…"_

" _Right…" Odin faltered for a moment, concerned about what type of books his ten-year-old was reading before regrouping his thoughts. "Anyway, sometimes depression can get so severe that people believe there's nothing left for them, that they've got no way out of their situation. This sometimes leads to something called suicide…"_

 _Loki, sensing the seriousness of the conversation, practically held his breath as he waited for his father to continue. There was a tenseness in the air that made him uneasy and he haltingly wondered if he should've asked about the bridge at all, his father seemed almost afraid that he had._

" _Suicide is where people try to kill themselves so they no longer have to suffer from such unhappiness." Odin gripped the wheel of the car tightly as he bit his way through the delicate conversation. He honestly couldn't believe he was talking about this to his youngest son. Death, depression and suicide were things Odin had hoped he wouldn't have to explain at all and he'd hoped that both his children would just magically find out one day. His childish hopes were just that though: childish. However, it worried him that he was talking about such a serious topic with Loki before he'd even had the birds and the bee's talk._

" _It is always a terrible tragedy when someone succeeds in their suicide and no one wants anyone to go through with it, no matter what they may say or do," Odin continued. "The ribbons and flowers are there because there are people who jumped from that bridge, Loki, and they died. They've been left by the family members and friends who mourn over their loss. The truth is, that so many people have jumped from that place that the bridge is now constantly covered in memorials and so it's been nicknamed the rainbow bridge."_

 _Loki nodded as he swallowed a hard lump that had formed in his throat. The young boy looked out the back window for the last time and spotted the brightly coloured but now horrifying bridge in the distance._

" _The rainbow bridge, huh…" he muttered more to himself than for anyone else's sake._

 _It was such a beautiful name and covered with such beautiful things but the truth was ugly and twisted. It wasn't a happy place as Loki had first assumed it would be, it was dark and cursed by the ghosts that lingered there. It lured people in, promising to bring sweet relief to those who drank from it's poisoned waters yet, in the end, it brought nothing but sorrow and despair._

" _Let's not think on it anymore today, alright?" Frigga quickly interrupted, causing Loki's gaze to fall back to her. The young boy nodded and he was suddenly distracted by Thor's grunting snore coming from behind him._

* * *

Standing atop the rainbow bridge, Loki looked down at the buzz of highway traffic zooming below him. One thing certainly hadn't changed: the bridge was just as pretty as when he'd first set his eyes on it all those years ago. He felt a sudden pang of despair in his chest from the memory of that fateful car ride. His mother had been alive then and his father had still been… _a father_ to him. Not the twisted, angry man he'd ended up becoming; the man who regretted accepting Loki's existence into his life. Loki shook his head, trying to rid himself of such familial thoughts―they didn't matter anymore because he didn't have a family to belong to any longer. He was alone now. What good did it do to dwell on the past when it was impossible to change? _What good was air when one didn't want to breathe?_

Staring out over the six busy lanes, the young man lifted his eyes and pensively watched through the murky, city haze as the sun slowly started to disappear behind the horizon. The beautiful sight only made him feel worse. He couldn't do anything. Even the sun served more purpose than he. The orb of light at least rose every day and set every night, he couldn't even do that. When Thor had still still loved and accepted him, before he'd learned the bitter truth about Frigga's passing and how it was Loki's fault that he'd hired someone to steal his father's things and ended up with his mother murdered, Thor had been the one to rouse him from his deadened place each day. Thor had been his sun. Loki had only been a weed that couldn't be killed when the sun shone down on him daily. But now that Thor's compassion and kind-heartedness were gone from him, now that his sun had hidden behind the moon, Loki couldn't find any reason to grow. He should simply wither away and die like he was supposed to, like the gardener who tended the garden _wanted_ him to. He was Loki, son of no one and kin of nothing.

His hands gripped the railing solidly, knuckles turning white as he closed his eyes and prayed for the last time. He prayed to whatever god had their ears turned in his direction for Thor's and Jane's future happiness. He loved them, still. Even Odin. Even the old man who despised him for all he was worth―or not worth. He so desperately wanted to cry as he whispered, desperate to believe. He wanted to bare his soul, but that was impossible because there was no reason to. The only reason one opened up was if there was another there with which to take sanctuary, but there was no one. Not man nor god would take pity on his worthlessness. For as long as he could remember, all he'd wanted was his family's love; _Odin's_ love. But if there had ever been a seed that had held Odin's love for him, it had died a long time ago. The old man had built walls to protect the garden of Eden, to protect the things that were precious to him, and Loki had been locked out from the start. He'd tried to make copies of the key to Odin's heart, but he'd eventually discovered it was useless unless one had the original.

"I don't know if there's anyone up there," he muttered, turning his gaze in the direction of the late evening sky. Loki gave a humourless, dry chuckle before continuing. "I don't know if anyone even _cares,_ but I know I can't leave this planet until I give Thor and Jane the blessing they deserve, even if they're not here to hear it. I don't care what happens to me, I don't have the _right_ anymore, but please, make sure Thor and Jane live long lives together. Please make sure they're happy… and father… please let him find peace too. I never meant to hurt him like this… I never wanted mother dead… I never meant for it to happen. Even if he never thinks of me for as long as he lives, let him at least find peace within himself. Let them be happy." Loki stopped his whispered prayer and looked back down at the railing. What more was there to be said? There was nothing.

Clamping his jaw shut, Loki resolved to right things, finally. The young man pushed himself up with all the strength he had and seated himself on the dangerous side of the railing before using his legs to slowly stand and holding onto the pole of a bridge lamp. Without a barrier between him and the sky, Loki felt freer than he'd ever felt before and he suddenly knew he was making the right choice.

" _LOKI NO!"_

The young man's head snapped round at the voice, almost making him lose his balance. Had he really heard that?

"Father…?" he muttered to himself, eyes widening with genuine surprise as he watched his father pause a few feet away, palms displayed as though he were showing he was unarmed. Odin was pale, very pale and his eyes were wide with fear. Why would Odin fear him? Loki had never seen such a scared expression on his father's face before. Odin never showed any emotion except disappointment and anger towards Loki, and he _never_ showed weakness.

"Loki, stop―please!" Odin begged in barely more than a whisper as he held his hands out, trying to coax his son from atop the barrier. His heart was racing at a million miles an hour as he watched a hundred different emotions pass across Loki's face. Eventually, it seemed that Loki settled for simple confusion, though it was mixed with a tremendous amount of pain and hurt which the boy couldn't hide. Odin cringed inwardly at the agony on his son's face because he knew that he'd been the one who'd put it there, he was solely responsible for Loki's suffering.

The old man spared a quick glance past his son to the group that Loki had, thankfully, not yet noticed on the other side of the bridge. Thor and the detective were both slowly creeping up on Loki from the other side so if he really did decide to jump, one of them would be able to tackle him to the ground.

"What are you doing here?" Loki queried hesitantly. Odin didn't miss the fact that Loki had deliberately left the term 'father' out of his sentence.

"I want to talk." Odin replied, shuffling minutely closer to his son. It wasn't a lie, they had much to talk about and Odin had so much to make up for. He would grovel and beg if he had to, he just knew he couldn't lose his son like this. His wife was gone and he couldn't bring her back but he could stop blaming his son. One family member was enough, he just _couldn't_ lose another.

Loki let out mirthless laugh as he turned his head back to the highway. "What more is there to talk about?" He let his eyes flutter closed for a brief moment, making Odin's heart skip more than one beat. "I know what you feel. Your words mean nothing, fa―Odin because they are untrue. You cannot love me, I understand that now. I am nothing in your eyes and you… What more could you possibly want to say?"

"I _do_ love you Loki." Odin replied, trying hard to keep the distress from his voice. He could feel his heart breaking as Loki stood there, practically repeating his own words back to him. Had he really done this? Was he such a monster that he'd driven his own child to _this?_ Loki had always been such a gentle, sweet child but he'd constantly expected his boys to be tough warriors. He'd told Loki that crying was a sign of weakness. Why had he done that? Why had he poisoned his child with such spiteful words and daily mantras of how he expected more. He'd always expected _more_.

"No," Loki shook his head, "you don't. You _can't_ love me."

Odin suddenly felt the tears explode from the backs of his eyes. Hot, wet cascades started streaming unchecked down both his cheeks and he opened and closed his mouth several times, trying to think of the right words to say.

"You're wrong, Loki." He finally managed, causing Loki's head to turn back to him once more. "Those spiteful things I said to you, they were untrue. You are my son, Loki. I could never hate you. Please, let me make things right. Please…" Odin was completely desperate and his tears were salty and full of terror. He needed Loki to get off that ledge.

Loki's eyes bulged with utter astonishment as he suddenly noticed the wetness of Odin's face. Was his father crying? _Odin crying?_ The great, unmoveable, corporate man who ruled over legions of smaller firms. The 'king of an empire' who, even after the tragedy of his beloved wife, continued on as sturdy and stoic as he had before. Loki had never seen his father cry before…

Silence rang between the two of them for a moment, the cars of the highway only serving as white noise, however it was Odin who eventually shattered the fragile bubble as he reached toward his son, his fear spiking through his brain as Loki started to turn away. He had to keep Loki's focus on him.

"Please Loki," he whispered, the tears still trickling over his mouth as they fell from his cheeks and slid into his white beard. "Come down."

 _Don't do this,_ Odin prayed silently, his arms still open and hands ready to help his son down. _Don't turn away from me again, please!_

Loki's eyes scanned the highway below and he looked at the hustle and bustle of the cars driving past. Was this what he really wanted? Before he'd been so sure, but now, things seemed… different somehow. What had so suddenly changed?

Loki slowly crouched and gripped the street light pole to his left tightly, but before he could even attempt to help himself down, several pairs of arms had gathered him into theirs and two particularly strong sets cradled him tightly as he was lowered onto the surface of the bridge and almost strangled from the strength of the two simultaneous huggers. At a loss, Loki didn't struggle as Thor and Odin both wrapped their arms around him, but the young Odinson was unexpectedly surprised and astoundingly shocked to hear the two strongest men he knew both breakdown into heart-wrenching sobs of relief. Odin _and_ Thor crying over him like he was actually important to them genuinely bewildered Loki, but there was something about the honesty in the sound which caused a long withstanding defense to crumble inside him. He wasn't sure if he'd been holding back his emotions too long, or simply because the overwhelming intensity of the moment was, but Loki suddenly found his vision blurry and seconds later, burning tears fell hard and fast from his numb face.

"Father, Thor…" he blubbered through his shuddering sobs, his shoulders shaking violently as he bawled his eyes out and clung to their shirts. " _I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry for everything!_ "

Loki felt both grips suddenly tighten around him and shortly after, he smelled a woman's perfume and a gentler set of arms join the three of them.

The entire family was unaware of the two officer's leaving but Heimdall smiled at his ex-partner and Tyr gave him a solid knock on the shoulder as a sign of a job well done. The two of them walked back down the bridge together, both beaming at having saved a life today.

"You sure you don't want to come back to missing persons?" Heimdall asked jokingly.

"You know, I've just been reminded why I go into work every day." Tyr shook his head and smiled at the ground before looking Heimdall square in the eye. "So, yeah, I'd like to come back to missing persons, if you'll have me."

Heimdall was aware that his breath had been knocked right out of him from the intensity of Tyr's statement. "Yeah," he agreed softly, stealing a glance at his ex-partner as he sobered. "'course."

* * *

 **A/N:  
** Well friends, only one more chapter to go now. I hope you've enjoyed the story so far and I will see you all for the final chapter within the next few days.

Much Love,  
Soulhearts


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven:**

The four of them sat silently on the lounge and single-seaters in the living room at three o'clock in the morning. The heater was blasting out warmth into the freezing apartment and the quiet allowed for the distant sound of passer-by cars. Jane had just re-entered the room after fetching drinks for everybody except herself―a hot chocolate for Loki, a whiskey for Odin and a steaming hot coffee for Thor―and she'd re-seated herself back into the green chair in the corner of the room. Odin occupied the other single chair and Thor sat beside Loki on the sofa, adjusting the blanket around his younger brother's shoulders every now and again almost obessively. Jane observed that her fiancé had looked both stressed and relieved all evening and she found herself wondering how he managed such a paradoxical expression. Odin adjusted his position and cleared his throat, everybody knowing that the conversation was about to change.

Loki stiffened, inhaling a sharp breath of air through his nostrils as he noticed Odin moving into a better position. The knowledge that his entire family had stayed up this late with him made Loki's head spin and the young man found he was quite bewildered by it. He was sure they all would have gone to bed by now and the conversation he was dreading would be put off until the morning. Yet somehow, three o'clock had rolled around and none of them showed any signs of going anywhere. It appeared that none of them wanted to leave him alone―not even for a second. He couldn't blame them, not after what he'd unknowingly put them through. It was only now beginning to dawn on him how much suffering he'd put the other three through, though he hadn't intended it. His death was supposed to relieve his family of such burdens, but his well-intentioned plans failed. Just like they always did.

"How's the hot chocolate, Loki?" Thor interjected with idle chatter, again wrapping the power-blue rug on Loki's shoulders around him more securely. The freezing of Loki's entire frame when their father had cleared his throat hadn't gone unmissed by Thor and he knew he wouldn't be able to watch or stand it if Odin's words hurt Loki again―intentional or not. As a big brother, it was his duty to protect his younger sibling but he'd already failed more than once in that regard; there was no way he would make such a humongous slip-up again. In some ways Thor wondered if their co-dependency was a healthy thing, but honestly, he didn't care. If Loki needed him, he'd be there. And Loki _did_ need him.

Loki looked down at the hot, dark liquid and blew on it a little before taking a tiny sip and smiling softly at his older brother. Thor looked absolutely horrible and Loki knew it was all his fault. Again. Thor looked nothing like Loki had ever seen him before. His face was pale and it seemed like he'd lost some weight from stress over the past few days, just enough that it made his face look shallower and his worry lines more prominent.

"Don't do that Loki," His father suddenly ordered out of nowhere as Loki looked back down to his mug. "Please don't pull that face."

Loki cringed guiltily and flinched at his father's words. He'd been caught out again. "Sorry…" he mumbled, ducking his head and missing the angry glare that Thor shot at Odin. "I'm just…" but he couldn't find the right words. Who was he kidding, what words could he possibly use to fix this? _Any_ of this. "…sorry."

"Loki, you don't have to apologise," Thor dispelled gently, shuffling even closer to his younger sibling on the couch and furiously directing another lambasting gaze to his father in the process. Hell, some people claimed that _he_ was tactless and blunt but at least he knew where he got it from! Odin possibly took the cake when it came to an inability to read sensitivity. Now was not the time for Odin to be as brash and orderly as he ordinarily was. The old man needed to realise that, but Thor wondered if an old dog could really learn new tricks. "You don't have to apologise for _anything_ , Loki."

"But I _do_ Thor, don't you see? I've made everyone miserable yet again―all I ever seem to do is _hurt_ you… and I don't want to do that." Loki countered, continuing to avoid eye-contact with everyone in the room by staring into the murky depths of his hot chocolate.

Odin stared at his youngest son, suddenly feeling completely helpless. He was completely powerless and at a loss for what to do in this precarious situation. He could tell from Thor's occasional seething glances that he was obviously handling the whole thing wrong, but how could he communicate with his youngest when he'd not spent time with him in so many years? Nothing he'd ever done in his entire life had been as hard as this and he couldn't help but despair at his own short-comings. How could he stand in front of crowds of thousands of reporters and members of the press without feeling even the slightest amount of nervous adrenaline, but not simply _talk_ with his son without his hands shaking? What words did one choose in this situation? What words could he even say? The old man felt sure that if he said anything at all he'd just end up hurting his son even more and, just like Loki, he didn't want to hurt anyone in his family either. Yet, the issue still remained and Odin knew it had to be addressed. _Now_ was the time for getting this out into the open. Because if things weren't addressed now, who knew what would happen in the future. Odin suddenly felt a horrible shudder run down his spine as he recalled seeing Loki's figure standing on the railing of the bridge and how his heart had practically stopped. He'd driven Loki to that. _He_ was the reason that his son had become who he was and Odin couldn't continue to shake that responsibility forever. He needed to shoulder it and hold himself accountable for once. It was both his duty and burden as a father. He had to put things right, at any cost. For Loki's sake and sanity. If Frigga were looking down on him at this moment, he knew she would finally be smiling. Not only had he done the wrong thing by Loki and Thor, he'd failed his late wife too. Frigga had always loved her boys to the point that she'd put herself in harms way to protect them, but Odin had failed her! He'd not honoured her memory by respecting what he knew her wishes to be. Consumed by his grief he'd turned his back and he knew Frigga would have turned away from him then. Only monsters blamed their children for deeds done by another.

"Son," he started softly, folding his hands neatly in his lap to hide the tremors as he carefully thought on each word that came from his mouth. "Thor is right. You don't have to apologise to me. I've always known it wasn't your fault. I always knew it was accident, a simple mistake. I was just too angry and I needed someone to blame. I kept telling myself that it wasn't my fault, that _I_ wasn't the one to blame. I told myself this so often, yet I still couldn't whole-heartedly believe my own lies! I got angry with myself then. Why couldn't I believe the web of lies I had created for myself? So, with the irrational amount of rage I felt, I directed it all onto you. It was wrong, _I_ was wrong. I forced you to not only deal with your own pain, guilt and suffering, but mine as well. Eventually, I returned to France, but I never took my pain with me, I simply left it all with you and I let you suffer through more than anyone ever should. Even while in France I knew you were suffering through depression and you were suicidal, but at the time, because I couldn't see what you were going through, I merely brushed it off as you confessing to your guilt. Coming back here and saying those things… what I did was wrong, Loki. All of it. Ever since Frigga departed from us I knew what I was doing was wrong. I'm so sorry, Loki. You made one mistake, but I have made so many more."

"… but my mistake got my mother killed." Loki whispered, silent tears forming in his eyes. He couldn't help but reject Odin's acceptance of his culpability, he'd simply lived with the blame too long. "My mistake ended her life!"

They were all wrong! They kept trying to tell him that it wasn't his fault, but Loki knew it was! He'd been the one to hire the burglar that had killed his mother during the robbery. Odin claimed that he'd pushed his anger and guilt onto him, but while Loki knew that those words true, it didn't mean he could accept them. The anger Odin had directed at him had been warranted and Loki had not even attempted to shove some of that guilt back onto Odin because Loki knew, deep down, that he _deserved it._ He'd deserved the endless suffering and trauma that his mother's death had caused. He still did deserve it, he should live with it his entire life because if he let go of his guilt, suffering and self-hatred, what would be left of him? If he wasn't constantly reminded of the way his mother had died, would her memory start to fade? Would Frigga start to disappear forever from his life?

Odin stared at his beloved son and tried to suppress the tears that wanted to prick at the backs of his eyes. The horrible, torturous emotions that passed over Loki's face made him want to bury his face in his hands and weep. Odin silently cursed his ineptitude as he brushed a single tear that had slipped from his eye with the pad of his thumb. _Why had he done this to his son!?_ Loki didn't deserve this. Odin could see that the young man truly _believed_ he did deserve all the blame and the guilt, but he didn't.

"Loki," Thor suddenly interrupted, grabbing his brother by the shoulders and forcing him to turn around. "I know you don't believe father, I know you still think this is your fault, but listen to me: it's not. It isn't your fault, and were mother here with us now, I know she would say the same."

" _How can you say that, Thor!_ " Loki directed a shove at his older sibling but Thor remained unmoved as Loki started to sob and wail, declaring Thor's words to be lies. Loki lost it. He started swearing and throwing his fists at Thor as he was consumed by his grief.

Afraid Loki would hurt himself, Thor clamped his brother's wrists into one of his own and, unable to stand the raw pain spreading across Loki's face, Thor pulled the younger into a tight embrace and pushed Loki's face into his shoulder. As soon as Loki found himself unable to struggle in his older brother's hug, he ceased fighting and throwing angry punches, instead gripping the back of Thor's shirt, mourning his mistakes for the first time in forever. Thor didn't seem to care that his shirt was being covered with snot and salty tears, he never pushed Loki away or relinquished his embrace before Loki finally felt like something other than rehearsed emotion coursing through his system. The younger man hadn't realised how previously numb he'd felt inside, but as the horrible cascades of fear and sorrow left his eyes, he started to remember what life had been like _before_ he started hating himself.

" _Why don't you hate me?_ " Loki whispered, turning his internal question onto Thor, his voice so soft that the older Odinson momentarily wondered if he'd spoken at all.

"Because you're my brother…" Thor uttered in reply as he stroked Loki's hair and placed a soft, familial peck atop the younger's temple. "And I could never hate you, no matter what you've done. You _are_ loved Loki. Please, if you can believe nothing else, believe these words."

For the first time in ages, Loki _did_ find himself believing in Thor's soft words. He started to consider what that could mean, what it would be like to finally shed the cocoon of personal loathing, shame and self-condemnation which he'd wrapped himself in tightly for so long, as though he'd been trying to strangle himself with it like a noose around his neck. Maybe he _was_ loved. Maybe he _was_ more than the savage villain his father had made him feel he was. Perhaps Odin truly did want forgiveness and Loki knew he'd do almost anything to receive the same in kind from his father. This could be a new start, a _fresh_ start for him―for them both, maybe. Perhaps he might finally forgive himself for the mistakes he'd made.

Loki retracted himself from Thor's shirt and wheeled around, facing his father even though the unending cascade of sorrow had not yet abated in the slightest.

"Can you…" Loki bit out, stammering as he lifted his watery eyes to meet his father's. "Can you really forgive me?"

Odin's brain momentarily stopped as he looked back at his broken, suicidal son. Of course he could forgive him. He could say that there was nothing to forgive but Loki wouldn't accept that at all. Perhaps the guilt Loki shouldered wasn't meant to be taken away from him, perhaps it was meant to slowly dissipate but could only do so with help and support. Odin swallowed, silently vowing to be one of the stitches that would sow his son's soul back together.

"Unconditionally Loki, unconditionally." Odin managed the smallest and weakest of smiles which he was surprised to find Loki return. "Can you forgive me and the things I have done and allowed you to feel?" Odin continued, unable to hide the hesitancy in his voice.

"Yeah," he whispered, brushing away a tear that was about to fall from his chin. "I forgive you, father."

* * *

 _Four Months Later…_

* * *

Loki bolted exuberantly through the entrance way and accidentally slammed the door behind him in his eager haste to get inside. Shaking his hair and stamping his black boots on the mat furiously, Loki tried to rid himself of the cold snow that had clung from outside and was melting on his head and stuck in his shoes. The house was marvelously warm, quickly providing relief for his frozen fingers and toes, and his olfactory senses were instantly hit with the deliciously delightful scent of cinnamon and pie.

"So, how'd it go?" Jane asked after spying the him in the doorway and approaching him as she wiped her hands on her floured apron, a tentative smile on her face.

Thor also occupied the room and at his new wife's words, he looked up from the article on his phone and stared at Loki with excitement and a twinge of anxiety. Loki broke out into a full-fledged smile and stuck both thumbs up, causing Thor's smile to widen with hope.

" _I got the job!_ " He declared, beaming broadly.

Thor and Jane instantly starting clapping and Thor got up from his place at the table so he could pull his younger brother into a rib-cracking, bone-breaking hug.

"HAHA! Loki, that's wonderful!" The muscular blonde hollered with a toothy grin. "I'm so proud of you!'

"Yeah," Loki huffed, the smile never wavering as Thor set him back on his feet. "I'm so excited―Mr. Stark said I could even start next week!"

As the three of them sat down, Loki merrily rambling about his job interview and how well it had gone, Thor listened to his brother chatter away jubilantly, unable to help but see how changed Loki was. It had only been four months since Loki had tried to end his life by jumping from a bridge onto a busy highway and Thor hadn't been deluded back then, he knew the road to recovery for was going to be a long and rocky one. Yet, looking at Loki now made his heart shiver with delight. This was an exponential win for him and Thor firmly believed that Loki was on the right path for the first time in many, many months. He was more positive and he'd made at least two friends all by himself since returning to his university campus, not to mention he was relying less and less on Thor. The blonde didn't feel like his brother's keeper anymore. Granted, he still felt like support and Thor knew he'd get worried if Loki decided that he didn't need Thor in his life, but he didn't feel like scaffolding anymore, more like an occasional walking stick that Loki sometimes leaned on to steady himself. Odin visited regularly, at least once every month, and the old man started setting up a home office in the apartment so he could stay for longer visits. Thor's consistent persistence of harassing his father to spend time with Loki every time he came home was doing wonders for the pair's relationship and over the last four months he'd started to truly see some progress being made. The gaping holes of miscommunication were slowly being patched up and repaired and while things could still be occasionally awkward, it didn't even remotely compare to how it had once been. Loki visited the psychologist frequently and the severe depression he'd suffered from had eased away as he also started talking with Thor at home. The blonde had learned so much about his little brother in the past few months, including a substance abuse problem that had gone entirely unnoticed by both he and Jane and the fact that Loki had been arrested and owed five-hundred dollars for trespassing. Thor had thought nothing of it when he paid Loki's fine, waving off both his protests and promises to pay him back, and he was also now committed to accompanying his sibling to rehabilitation sessions in order to wean Loki off the illegal drugs he'd been abusing. Things were finally starting to level out and look up for his entire family and Thor couldn't have wished for more. Watching his little brother now Thor smiled, knowing this wasn't the end of Loki's chapters in life. No, this was something else entirely. Something better and worth living for:

It was a new beginning.

* * *

 **A/N:  
** Well Ladies and Gentleman, I hope you enjoyed it and a huge thank you for staying with me until the end. A warm, snugly hug to those who reviewed any of the chapters I previously published and a sincere thank you to those who review this chapter- I wouldn't have published this on Fanfiction without your constant, kind words of support and interest. Until we meet again!

Much Love,  
Soulhearts


End file.
